The Pacific Northwest Is Almost as F-ed Up as Florida

Apr 23, 2014 at 8:44 AM ET

Florida Man,” you’ve met your match.

Meet “Pacific Northwest Man,” the oft-overlooked hero of local Washington and Oregon newspaper headlines. He lives among the sodden stumps of ex-timber towns, and in the forgotten fringes of Seattle and Portland, where human mold flourishes like the clap at a Rainbow Family gathering. Like his celebrated counterpart in the Sunshine State, he is the product of a depraved environment with too much meth and too little dignity. Except instead of sun, he has drizzle and fair-trade coffee shops to look forward to every day.

Here are but a few of Pacific Northwest Man’s recent shenanigans:

Shoplifting Pacific Northwest Man Attacks Walmart Security Guards With Own Feces

Pacific Northwest Man on Tiny Bike Arrested for Carrying Full-Size Shotgun

Pacific Northwest Deacon Chokes Younger Pacific Northwest Deacon During Church Service 

Two Pacific Northwest Men Attack Each Other With Hammers in Red Lobster Parking Lot

Naked Pacific Northwest Masturbator Leads Cops on Two-Hour Chase Down Bike Path

Pacific Northwest Man Nicknamed “Comatose” Breaks Into Home of 82-Year-Old Woman, Dresses in Her Husband’s Clothes, Passes Out in Her Guest Bedroom


Pacific Northwest Man Sells Random Stranger’s Trailer on Craigslist, Pockets the Cash


Masked Pacific Northwest Man Stages Child Abduction in Public Park, Forgets to Mention He’s Filming Anti-Child Abduction Video


5-Foot Alligator Evicted From Pacific Northwest Woman’s 600-Square-Foot Apartment

Drunken Pacific Northwest Woman Drives Car Into Taco Bell, Scalds Employee With Hot Cooking Oil, Blames Passenger Boyfriend