FUN

Why This Wooden Dildo Is Selling for $2.5 Million

FUN
Oct 06, 2014 at 11:30 AM ET

For $2.5 million, you could pick up a very nice house in just about any neighborhood on the planet, a Bugatti Veyron and a garage to keep it in, a slightly used Learjet or about 32,051 shares of Facebook stock.

You could also snag this hand-carved, hand-painted, 19-inch-long pine dildo. It’s your choice, really.

Listed on eBay by the Canadian “Max,” the wooden dildo features authentic-looking Northwestern Native American iconography and a smooth glass finish, all lovely additions. But as beautiful as it is, why would anyone want to bid $2.5 million on this piece of Quebecois handicraft?

Apparently because the phallus is far more than a piece of decor or a potentially dangerous sex toy—it’s a living spirit. As the listing notes, “This is the spirit of Kyynmwahppt…the ever watchful good spirit to help you see all positive things in life.”

Max offers this account of the long and careful process required to render Kyynmwahppt in wood (add your own [sic]s as you go):

“This amazing experience started in 2001 with an outsourcing venture. This venture was for healing myself from really hard and unreal situations in my life, while being in the bush in a mitchuap (a mitchuap is like a teepee) a Healer messaged me become an artist. Healer says, always play the song that pleases you. Maybe 3 years after, while ice fishing on 7 foot of ice in may (dug with my axe) at the lake. After catching a few fish, at dinner time a Reader came to me and gave a message that I should draw our spirits. After 4 years in the bush I came out a different man with a mission. This mission is to sculpt spirits. All the spirits that the artist sculpted were stored in his glass cabinet for personal viewing. But this Kyynmwahppt spirit started in 2004 and it was finished in 2013. All this time and effort that were taken to give honor to Kyynmwahppt.”

As Max told us, “This artwork took me 10 years to complete, since this spirit is long-living and very patient.”

Max told us the sale of the master dong is actually part of a higher calling. “My mission is to help the needy, like build wells, schools and books and much more. I was asked by my elders to travel the world and help the needy.”

That should make you feel better about the $962 shipping bill.