The Strangest Hello Kitty-Branded Garbage You Can Buy Right Now

Oct 10, 2014 at 2:03 PM ET

Hello Kitty’s first-ever museum retrospective opens tomorrow in Los Angeles. The Japanese American National Museum is bracing for an extraordinary influx of pilgrims coming to pay tribute to the exhibition, which includes everything from the original Hello Kitty coin purse to Lady Gaga’s Hello Kitty gown.

The 40-year-old feline (or at least feline-ish) icon is the crown jewel of Japanese licensing magnate Sanrio, which has shrewdly authorized branding deals with the likes of Stratocaster, the L.A. Dodgers and the band KISS. And also, apparently, everyone else who asks. The absurd heights of devotion the character inspires in children and adults alike earns the company more than $7 billion a year—and there’s no accounting for the unimaginable number of knockoff products that borrow her likeness without permission.

From vibrators—uh, “shoulder massagers“—to Bibles, here are some of the many unexpected forms in which you can buy Hello Kitty. (Full disclosure: The author of this story once had Hello Kitty checks and a Hello Kitty debit card. She regrets nothing.)

Vegetable Peeler, $4.99

What toy chest is complete without one?

Exhaust Pipe, $68.69

Melts emissions inspectors’ hearts.

Thong, $15

Because there’s nothing sexier than an anthropomorphic cat designed to lure children into buying pencil cases.

“Exotic Dancewear,” $75

OK, maybe there’s one thing sexier.

Toilet Paper, $5.95

For the person in your life who really loves Hello Kitty, or the person in your life who really, really hates Hello Kitty.

Crocheted Toilet Paper Cover, $10

Ample proof that Hello Kitty could anchor a horror movie franchise.

Toilet Seat and Lid Cover, $20.42

Crap and garbage for your crap and garbage.

38-Year-Old Toothpaste, $21.99

Hello Kitty, an oral history.

Nail Clippers, $3.77

Contact Lenses, $22.90

All the better to see you with, my dear.

Pipe, $50

For catnip use only.

Lighters, 50 for $19.99

The best kids always bring enough for the whole class.

AK-47, $1,072.95

Wine, $17.99

Notes of hairball and polyester.

Roomba, $130.99

Humidifier, $39.52

Condoms, $7.15 Each (Sold Out)

An optimist would point out that these are out of stock. A pessimist would point out that, well, that means someone bought them all.

Chia Pet, $17.99

LeBron James Phone Case, $0.20

Now that King James is back in Ohio, does this count as a collector’s item?

Tire Valve Caps, $9.99