CELEBRITY

Winter Is Never Coming

CELEBRITY
Mar 28, 2014 at 5:19 PM ET

This week, author George R.R. Martin released a chapter from Winds of Winter, the sixth (and still forthcoming) installment in his epic seven-book fantasy series, A Song of Fire and Ice, which began with A Game of Thrones in 1996. Since then, Martin, who is nearly 70, has gone on to sell millions of books, and he gained an even bigger audience in 2011 after HBO adapted the series. But for all his success, Martin remains in a difficult position, forced to throw his fans scraps of content at regular intervals, lest they turn on him like a pack of rabid Jack Russells.

The fan savagery can be traced back to 2009, when thousands of disaffected fantasy geeks, tired of waiting for the fifth volume of the series, A Dance With Dragons, then four years in the making, aired their grievances in Internet forums like “Finish the Book, George” and “Is Winter Coming?” (a play on the books’ motto, “Winter is coming”). Calling themselves GRRuMblers—the uppercase letters represent Martin’s initials—they attacked the author, raging at what they perceived as Martin’s laziness and blatant disregard for their well-being. The fact that his considerable weight combined with his age might lead to an early death—and thus an incomplete series—only added to their despair.

In advance of the fourth season of HBO’s Game of Thrones, which begins April 6, we’ve cobbled together a list of some of the most vitriolic insults hurled at the mastermind of the hit fantasy franchise—who suddenly went from hero to villain, much like a character from one of his novels.

1. “The guy hasn’t typed shit for over a year, I’m sure. It’s too bad Ham and Eggs [Martin] isn’t selling his signed books in Chicago, I need some more kindling for my fire pit.”

2. “Giggles All the Way [Martin] claims he was most thankful for his family, friends and readers during Thanksgiving. I guess his way of showing us his appreciation is to stuff two whole turkeys down his gullet while rubbing giblets all over his naked torso (I mean come on, you know he eats naked).”

3. “Time named Jiggles [Martin] one of their 100 most influential people last year. Bravo, your Vastness!  It’s not easy to piss off thousands and not be involved in politics.  So continue pissing off fans and sporting the ‘small east coast [sic] town fisherman’ look.”

4. “I would happily vote for a satisfactory TV-ending and no further books. It would be the end of George skullfucking the brains out of his own story. That shit is just tragic to witness.”

5. “GRRM happens to be fat. This is a fact. He happens to be disrespectful of the role his fans have played in his financial success. This is a fact. He happens to have a highly questionable work ethic. This is a fact.”

6. “Fuck you, Gurm. Just…fuck you!”

7. “Do you think under all the smiling and giggling, Gurm’s a sad, scared man who knows he’s squandered the opportunity of a lifetime?”

8.” I don’t think he feels any stress or shame for being a lazy fucker. If that were the case I think he would be at home trying to fix the mess he made and barely showing his face in public unless he had to, instead he is traveling and enjoying life and not writing anything.”

9. “It’s all bullshit. The fucks [sic] married now, so it means he will get even less done.”