xHamster Holds Contest For Porn’s Next Trump

The tube site is asking viewers to vote for the amateur who will play the president in X-rated parodies for the next four years

Illustration: Tara Jacoby
Feb 03, 2017 at 5:17 PM ET

There is very little that has been sexy about Donald Trump’s presidency — and yet xHamster is planning to embark on a series of presidential porn parodies over the next four years. In fact, the tube site is so invested in the idea that it is currently holding a competition to find porn’s next Trump. It’s asking visitors to vote for one of three finalists to star as the president in a series of X-rated films and will announce the dubiously titled “winner” within the first 100 days of Trump’s presidency.

“He will be selected by popular vote — not the electoral college,” said spokesperson Alex Hawkins. “Themes for these scenes will be inspired by the news cycle, tweets from the man himself, and the limits of our imaginations.”

In late November, xHamster announced that it was seeking a man to fill the roll — someone who could “bring the HUGE-ness … of the President-elect to the small screens and tablets of our consumers.” They asked for SFW audition tapes of people doing their best impressions — making a sex tape would be too tall an order, a publicist told Vocativ.

Three months later, after what a publicist called “many” submissions, they have narrowed it to three finalists — a trio of young men equipped with orange hair and average or below-average impressions of Trump (or, probably more accurately, Alec Baldwin imitating Trump). One of the finalists’ videos lasts for all of 10 seconds and cuts out abruptly — and he’s currently leading in votes — so one can only imagine what the other tapes were like. But a publicist, who declined to give an estimate, said there was no shortage of submissions.

Now, xHamster says that the winner will most definitely be having sex on camera, not just playing Trump while professional porn actors get busy. This seems to be placing a yuuuge amount of faith in these untested amateurs’ ability to perform on camera, given the difficulties of being a male porn actor. Very few men can reliably get or maintain an erection during a porn shoot — which not only requires performing in front of a crew but also frequent starting and stopping. That’s why the male talent pool in porn is relatively so small. An xHamster publicist, however, said that they assume that the men who auditioned did so because they are confident in their abilities.

The bigger practical questions here are: Who the hell wants to watch Donald Trump have sex? And will anyone be able to laugh, let alone get a boner, amid the xenophobia and constitutional trespasses that have thus far set the tone of the Trump administration? To the latter question, Hawkins seems to think it’s possible. “Political satire has been part of the American ethos since before the revolution,” he said. “Where our motive is not to advance a political agenda, we do hope to entertain and excite our viewers.”