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Santa Porn: You’ll Never See The North Pole The Same Way

Pornhub data shows there's a surprising market for Christmas-related porn

SEX
Illustration: R. A. Di Ieso
Dec 19, 2016 at 11:10 AM ET

The blonde elf, clad in green-striped stockings and a floppy velvet hat, is hammering away at a child’s toy before she throws her tool down in frustration. She storms into Santa’s bedroom, which is less “North Pole” than it is “Ikea catalog,” and tells the bearded, jolly fellow, “I need a day off!” He refuses. Then, she realizes how she can get Santa to change his mind — and the elf starts taking off her clothes.

Welcome to the weird world of Christmas porn. Yes, it’s a thing — enough so that a Google search for “Christmas porn” turns up tens of millions of results. And this curious genre — which will make you never think of the North Pole or “Santa unloading his sack” the same way ever again — unsurprisingly sees a huge spike around the holidays, according to new data from the tube site Pornhub.

Searches for “santa,” the most popular Christmas-related search term, increase 447 percent around the holidays compared to an average day.  The next few top terms are deceptively innocent: “christmas present,” “xmas,” and “santa claus.” But a bit further down the list, things get X-rated: “christmas orgy,” “christmas creampie,” and “christmas blowjob.” And, of course, Mrs. Claus makes an appearance, with a 735 percent increase in searches for her name during the holiday season. There’s also “office christmas party,” “naughty santas helper,” “black santa,” which sees an 808 percent increase around the holidays compared to an average day, and “bad santa.” At the very bottom of the list: “dick in a box” (gift givers, take note).

Men were 35 percent more likely than women to search for Christmas-related porn. They are also 313 percent more likely to search for “Christmas POV” and 185 percent more likely to search for “christmas blowjob.” Men were also much more likely than women to search for motherly holiday terms, including “Christmas MILF” and “Christmas mom.” Women, on the other hand, were 220 percent more likely to search for “old santa claus” and 121 percent more likely to search for plain old “santa claus.” Other terms women were more likely to search for include “christmas lesbian,” “christmas party,” and “santa blowjob.”

You might wonder when, exactly, people are finding time for all this porn watching amid holiday parties and the unwrapping of presents. Well, Pornhub sees traffic drop 45 percent from normal levels on Christmas Eve, but it spikes 34 percent above average at 2 a.m. on Christmas morning. By 6 a.m. traffic dips 40 percent below normal levels. So, it seems people are staying up late to see Santa, alright — just not in the way you might expect.