Five Ways To Catch A Cheater That Are Less Dumb Than A Smart Mattress

Its the Internet of "spying on your filth-bag partner"

Illustration: Tara Jacoby
Apr 19, 2016 at 10:29 AM ET

A Spanish mattress company is getting loads of free press from news outlets (like us) over its newest product: a smart mattress that detects when and how your partner is cheating on you. Durmet claims their Smarttress has a “Lover Detection System” consisting of sensors in the bed springs that send alerts to a smartphone app, showing the “impact and intensity per minute.”

The ridiculous product and its alarmist promotion video (“The global infidelity crisis KNOCKS ON YOUR DOOR… Having peace of mind is not easy in a relationship…UNTIL NOW) scream internet hoax, but the company has responded to skepticism by sending out a video of two employees bouncing around on the Smarttress at a press event in Madrid.

Now, surveilling your partner is just about the worst possible response to suspicions of infidelity. But if you’re concerned that your mate is turning your bedroom into a bone zone while you’re away—and more rational ways of dealing with the problem (say, talking) are off the table, there are much cheaper and easier ways to spy on them than purchasing a $1,750 “smart” mattress. Here are a few:

Sleep Trackers

There are dozens of apps that help you track your sleep patterns and bed activity just by placing a phone somewhere on your mattress. The apps tap into the phone’s accelerometer to gauge any movement, including someone nailing your spouse. And while sleep experts don’t agree on the benefits of studying your slumber this way, a sneakily placed iPod touch or second smart phone would at least be able to track when someone is engaging in afternoon delight.

If a suspicious partner doesn’t have a second phone, then there are other sleep tracking devices that sync with apps, like the Beddit ($150), that are more subtle than a hidden iPhone.

Check Online Dating Apps

The new site Swipebuster allows you to search Tinder users by name and location for $5, but that’s only one platform in a sea of infidelity-enabling apps. Fortunately for suspicions partners, most these apps are also location-based. To see if your bae is swiping for a side piece, just set up a fake Facebook profile (preferably using profile pictures of people who are his or her type), then use it to set up accounts on Bumble, Grindr, Hinge, OkCupid, Tinder and whatever else they might be using. Set the location restriction to as close to your partner as possible and choose other search criteria that fits your partner, then swipe until you find them.

Track Them

Are you one of the many who bought an activity tracker to get in shape and then decided that it wasn’t worth the trouble? Put the device to better use by lodging it deep in your partner’s car seat. The Fitbit Charge ($60) is discreet and lasts for six months on one watch battery.

Hack Their Phone

There are three easy ways to gain access to a lover’s protected iPhone—watch them closely when they enter their code, “borrow” it for a moment and program your fingerprint in the Touch ID security or hold the phone up to their finger when they’re sleeping.

Security Cameras

Of course, a discrete camera is the best way to prove someone is cheating. There are several inconspicuous connected cameras that stream footage to smartphones, but most of them still resemble a robotic, spying eye. On the other hand, the Canary ($200) could be mistaken for an external hard drive. The security device sends alerts through the app if if detects movement or a sudden spike in heat and humidity—all the necessary indicators to let you know that your spouse is engaged in steamy, passionate intercourse while you’re a on a business trip.