The Metal, Murderous Life Of Ted Cruz, According To The Internet

Every Ted Cruz meme, from Zodiac Killer to Stryper frontman, placed on one timeline

(Illustration: Tara Jacoby)
Mar 18, 2016 at 7:17 PM ET

Ted Cruz could very well be the next leader of the free world, and yet, many voters still don’t know much about his past. Is he a serial killer, an undead bloodsucker from Canada, a heavy-metal Christian or all of the above?

Fortunately for the American public, Internet sleuths have been working tirelessly to uncover the presidential hopeful’s true backstory. While Cruz’s books and Wikipedia page, as well as most credible news sources, describe the potential Republican nominee as a Harvard Law School graduate and career politician who has never killed anyone or played a Flying V guitar, Internet memes tell a wildly different story. Since Cruz launched his campaign last May, amateur investigators have dug up “evidence” that suggests Cruz could be the son of Grandpa Munster, the Zodiac Killer, the lead singer of the Christian metal band Stryper, O.J. Simpson’s defense attorney, the father to maligned Duke basketball player Grayson Allen and the actor who plays Kevin on “The Office.”

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With all of these competing theories floating around, some voters might find it difficult to follow Cruz’s life story as told by the Internet. That’s why Vocativ compiled each meme in an easy-to-read, cohesive timeline.