The Many Faces of Ted Cruz

The Texas Senator has one of the most interesting mugs in Congress. But when he contorts his mouth and raises his eyebrows, what's he really saying? We have some ideas

Ted Cruz’s face seems to be everywhere these days. The outspoken senator from Texas is trying to rally the GOP’s base in the lead up to November’s congressional elections, and perhaps even bolster his prospects for a run for president.

And yet, while Cruz’s mug is ubiquitous, his cartoonish expressions—reminiscent, according to one anonymous commenter, of a man who “accidentally farted” in his “own face”—are seldom analyzed. Like Tyra Banks, Cruz can channel a range of emotions at a moment’s notice: smugness, wistfulness, condescension and Cruz Steel.

So with the midterms rapidly approaching, here’s a guide to the many faces of Ted Cruz, with perhaps a window into what he’s really thinking.

1. I’m sorry you’re not as smart as I am. Actually, I’ve never been sorry about anything, except for one time, in ’89, when I said ‘sorry’ and didn’t mean it.

2. I’ve pooped my pants, but I have many more pairs of pants. #America

3. I collect the concerns of the needy in my hand, and then I open my hand and watch them float away like little angels.

4. I know he was a POW, but does he really deserve a better seat than me?

5. Question: What’s the difference between a reporter and a contraceptive? Answer: I’ve used a reporter or two.

6. Sometimes I feel lonely, but then I think of rising sea levels and cheer up. Not even glaciers can withstand the warmth of God—He is everywhere.

7. Sarah Palin and a bunch of tough-looking white guys—yeah, I love the smell of patriotism in the morning.

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