The Many Faces of Ted Cruz

The Texas Senator has one of the most interesting mugs in Congress. But when he contorts his mouth and raises his eyebrows, what's he really saying? We have some ideas

Ted Cruz’s face seems to be everywhere these days. The outspoken senator from Texas is trying to rally the GOP’s base in the lead up to November’s congressional elections, and perhaps even bolster his prospects for a run for president.

And yet, while Cruz’s mug is ubiquitous, his cartoonish expressions—reminiscent, according to one anonymous commenter, of a man who “accidentally farted” in his “own face”—are seldom analyzed. Like Tyra Banks, Cruz can channel a range of emotions at a moment’s notice: smugness, wistfulness, condescension and Cruz Steel.

So with the midterms rapidly approaching, here’s a guide to the many faces of Ted Cruz, with perhaps a window into what he’s really thinking.

1. I’m sorry you’re not as smart as I am. Actually, I’ve never been sorry about anything, except for one time, in ’89, when I said ‘sorry’ and didn’t mean it.

2. I’ve pooped my pants, but I have many more pairs of pants. #America

3. I collect the concerns of the needy in my hand, and then I open my hand and watch them float away like little angels.

4. I know he was a POW, but does he really deserve a better seat than me?

5. Question: What’s the difference between a reporter and a contraceptive? Answer: I’ve used a reporter or two.

6. Sometimes I feel lonely, but then I think of rising sea levels and cheer up. Not even glaciers can withstand the warmth of God—He is everywhere.

7. Sarah Palin and a bunch of tough-looking white guys—yeah, I love the smell of patriotism in the morning.

ISIS

'Jihadi John' Of ISIS Videos Revealed To Be Briton Mohammed Emwazi

Abigail Tracy
RELIGION

Why This Christian Woman Is Wearing Hijab For Lent

Elizabeth Kulze
DRUGS

The 2015 Guide To Smoking Pot Legally In The U.S.

Shane Dixon Kavanaugh
ISIS

How Brooklyn's ISIS Trio Plotted Their Trip To Syria Online

Ross Keith
GUNS

Sandy Hook Was The Best Thing That Ever Happened To The NRA

Sarah Kaufman
ISIS

British Teen YouTuber Mocking ISIS Becomes Its “American” Idol

Gilad Shiloach
MEDIA

Data Mine, Feb. 26: McDonald’s Is A Super-Sized Tax Dodger

Oren Dotan
ISIS

Video: ISIS Smashes Dozens Of Ancient Statues In Iraq

Gilad Shiloach