Woman getting up, man sleeping --- Image by © Tommy Kay/Corbis

The Hard Truth About Girl-on-Guy Rape

When a guy is "made to penetrate" a female, is it rape? Long-suffering male victims are turning to Reddit to break their silence

Charlie woke up to a blank-faced girl straddling him. He had been disrobed, was erect, and as her hips began to shift in short, quick movements, he realized he was inside of her. Frozen with disbelief, Charlie laid still. He faked climaxing, hoping it would prompt her to dismount and leave the room. Eventually she did, but only after he rolled to his side and pretended to sleep.

The next morning Charlie wasn’t sure what to think. Had an underclassman he knew only by name really entered his dorm room and had her way with him as he slept? It all seemed so absurd, like the makings of an awkward wet dream. Except Charlie had zero interest in this girl. He had never spoken to her, kissed her or even tried to catch her eye. He felt neither lucky nor flattered, just extremely perturbed.

“The most traumatic part was the complete assumption of consent,” he tells me nearly two decades later. “I was physically revolted by the experience. It just felt so shockingly wrong.”

Woman getting up, man sleeping --- Image by © Tommy Kay/Corbis
In a recent study, 1 in 6 male college students reported having been raped. (Corbis)

The concept of a woman forcing a man into a sex act can seem paradoxical, if not physiologically impossible. The assumption, likely shared by Charlie’s abuser, is that guys are always in the mood and an erection constitutes consent; but there’s a uniquely afflicted class of male victims who would strongly disagree. Lost in a cultural blind spot, they have been left to suffer in silence without resources and often without the empathy of family or friends.

According to the CDC: "Being made to penetrate someone else includes times when the victim was made to, or there was an attempt to make them, sexually penetrate someone without the victim’s consent because the victim was physically forced (such as being pinned or held down, or by the use of violence) or threatened with physical harm, or when the victim was drunk, high, drugged, or passed out and unable to consent."

According to the Center for Disease Control’s national survey on sexual violence, more than 5 million men in the United States have been “made to penetrate” someone else in their lifetime, whether by coercion, intimidation, or because they were incapacitated. In a largely overlooked study focusing exclusively on college males, 51.2 percent of participants reported experiencing a least one incident of sexual victimization, including unwanted sexual contact (21.7 percent), sexual coercion (12.4 percent) and rape (17.1 percent).  Of course, most men assume they’ll be ostracized for reporting such emasculating violations, so the real numbers are likely at lot higher.

Since that initial morning-after, Charlie tried his best to shrug off the whole thing. He was in college after all, a time when sexual encounters are habitually fleeting. But the more he replayed the story in his head, the more he realized it was actually wearing on him. “I didn’t really have the mental framework to encapsulate it as a violation at the time,” he says. “It was just a really invasive experience. All I could think was, How can I get this to end? How can I get this to end without hurting her?”

“Made to penetrate” cases are all the more complicated because of a man’s lack of autonomy over his own penis. “It was too late to tell her I wasn’t interested in having sex, because she was already having it with me,” Charlie says. “It was all so unexpected.” Just because a man gets hard doesn’t necessarily mean he’s enjoying it. As with female victims, sexual arousal can be involuntary. Even ejaculation in cases of male rape is often the result of a mechanical biological response—not a sign of hot-blooded desire.

Charlie and his abuser never spoke after the incident, and he says he spent the rest of his senior year in fear of the story getting out. He would see her whispering with her friends as they looked his way, and he grew paranoid by what she might say. “I had this worry that if anyone heard about it I would seem like a monster or a predator,” he says. “I was 20. She was 18. I was a guy. She was a girl. It was my understanding that only men can commit sex crimes, so pretty much anything would have been more believable than the truth.”

And he’s probably right. Of the 20,100 suspects arrested for forcible rape in 2010, less than 1 percent were female, a victim-perpetrator gender divide that’s all but cemented in public perception. Gender roles may have evolved in the years since Charlie’s ordeal, but our assumptions about who takes advantage of whom remain rigid, despite evidence to the contrary: A recent study of sexual violence found that women by age 18 were almost equally as likely as men to commit sexual abuse (at 48 percent and 52 percent, respectively).

It took Charlie, now a 41-year-old software developer, 15 years to start talking about what happened to him, and when he finally told a few friends their reactions went something like this: “Weird. I guess she thought you were hot.”

Reddit users, however, were more sympathetic: “Same boat as me brother,” wrote user Kuljika in response to Charlie’s confessional post. “Sleep-rape fistbump.” Forums like the often controversial Men’s Rights subreddit have become a haven for emotionally battered victims (and frustrated men in general). Like group therapy, it’s a place where they can share their stories anonymously and connect with others without feeling vulnerable. “It was really the first step towards healing for me,” says Ben, a 23-year-old male victim I spoke to who posted about his own nocturnal boner-turned-living-nightmare. “It’s good to know there are others out there.”

There are hundreds of threads dedicated to victims of female-on-male sexual abuse, many of which read like locker-room rap sessions, but with a little more empathy and advice: “Try and let go of that shit holding you back, I’m not saying it’s going to be easy,” “Good to hear that someone else has this problem” or “That’s rough. Do feel. Don’t suck it up.” Unfortunately, as with any subreddit, the conversation can get bogged down by extremists and in this case more than a few misogynists. “Some people use their experience as a crutch to hate women,” says Ben. But with few alternative resources, the Reddit community will have to do. “There’s not really another home for guys who want to talk about these things,” Charlie says. Though there are sites like MaleSurvivor.org and 1and6.org, female-on-male sexual abuse is still a marginal topic.

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“It’s not like we’re infinitely powerful and women are Playdough,” says Jake. “Guys get hurt just as much. We’re just not allowed to show it.” (Corbis)

In 1927 the U.S. Department of Justice define rape as “the carnal knowledge of a female, forcibly and against her will.” 

Version 2.0 was instated in 2012, and is much broader: “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” 


Male victims were actually excluded from the legal definition of rape until the Department of Justice updated it in 2012, 85 years after the fact. Even now, it only accounts for those men who were anally or orally raped by males. In other words, an ill-intentioned penis and a vulnerable orifice are imperative to a rape indictment. Similarly, the Oxford English Dictionary maintains that only “a man who commits rape” can be called a rapist. While quibbling over the semantics might seem petty, there are real implications, not only for victims, but also for the way statistics are influenced.

In the CDC’s national survey of sexual violence, for example, “made to penetrate” is not included as a form of rape. If it were, incidents of male rape would rise from 1 in 71 to a staggering 1 in 16 nationally (female rape is just under 1 in 5). The majority of the offenders of male victims would also be female.

The authors of the survey, which is sponsored by the Violence Against Women Act, maintain that being “made to penetrate” is a form of sexual victimization unique to males, and therefore independent of rape. As a consequence, “made to penetrate” cases seem less criminal, and certainly less provocative. In a situation like Charlie’s, the distinction appears to make sense: “Most people think of rape as a violent attempt to hurt another person. I don’t really know what was going through this girl’s head at the time, but I don’t think she was there to traumatize me. I guess she just wanted to have sex with me and assumed that’d be ok.”

Of course, for even the gentlest male sleep-rapist, “I assumed she’d be into it” doesn’t exactly fly in court. Consent reigns supreme, and to pursue a female without it is to invite culpability. In “made to penetrate” cases, the line is often far more ambiguous. Still, there are plenty of female aggressors who don’t leave much to interpretation.

“I didn’t call it rape at the time because it didn’t even occur to me that I could be raped,” says Ben, who agreed to speak with me over Skype. ”All I knew was that what happened to me was not ok. It was a horrifying situation.”

Ben was sexually assaulted by an ex-girlfriend three years ago after she broke into his home in the middle of the night. Like Charlie, he woke up to his intruder sitting on top of him, his penis stiff and penetrating her.

“It was a uniquely violating experience because between morning wood and what she was doing to me, I couldn’t keep myself from getting hard,” he says. “I just felt completely helpless.”

Ben’s ex had been abusive throughout the relationship, both physically and verbally. She would often threaten suicide in order to force him to do various things, from abandoning his friends to pleasuring her. The night she broke into his house she had slashed up her legs in a fit of psychotic rage, screaming that she would kill herself if he didn’t satisfy her every wish. By morning there were bloodstains splattered across his sheets.

Just as with female victims of sexual violence, more than 1 in 4 men are abused at the hands of an intimate partner. According to the CDC, of the 5,451,000 who report having been “made to penetrate,” 45 percent were victimized by a current or former girlfriend, 45 percent by an acquaintance, and just 5 percent by a stranger. But while male abusers tend to achieve their ends through physical means, women often employ more psychological methods, like extortion: I’ll say you hit me. I’ll divorce you. I’ll kill myself. I’ll kill you.

Women also pursue their victims in situations when they’re more vulnerable, whether drunk, sleeping, sick, drugged or demoralized by psychological venom.

“When I realized what was happening I was paralyzed both mentally and physically,” Ben says. “She had convinced me that everything was my fault. That I was the one hurting her. It was awful. I just felt really alone.”

Ben’s ex also threatened to tell the authorities that he had raped her if he dared tell anyone about what had happened, a variation on an intimidation tactic commonly associated with male-on-female rape. Victims are often told, “No one will believe you.” However, only female abusers can say, “Not only won’t anyone believe you, but they’ll believe me because I am a woman. There’s proof that we had a sexual encounter, and I can use that against you.”

Even without diabolical exes to worry about, it’s pretty hard for the average American male to know how to process the mental shrapnel. Bro culture can exacerbate the feelings of denial and shame victims often experience—guys are told to man up, don’t be such a pussy, grow some balls—and in the end, they’re a lot less likely to seek help.

According to the CDC’s survey, men who have been victimized by an intimate partner experience poorer physical and mental health than those who haven’t. And recent studies of sexually victimized college males show increased instances of hostility, depression, substance abuse, sexual risk-taking behavior and its opposite, sexual dysfunction.


Jake, a 39-year-old video game developer, hasn’t had sex since he escaped a sadistic relationship two years ago. “Hell, I can’t even masturbate sometimes because I get too upset,” he wrote in a candid post on Reddit.

Like Ben, Jake’s girlfriend assaulted him verbally and physically, and she often refused to take no for an answer. “She extorted sex from me on multiple occasions and threatened to kick me out,” he says, in a conversation over Skype. “I felt really ashamed, but it wasn’t a situation that brute strength could have gotten me out of.”

Jake had also been abused as a child and had spent a lifetime trying to move past it, only to get derailed by someone he thought he could trust. Facing clinical depression and severe intimacy issues, he sought professional help, but couldn’t find a therapist who would take him at his word. “There was this overwhelming idea that because she was ‘giving me sex’ that I should be inherently grateful no matter what,” he says. “It was like people couldn’t see me as a human being who could in fact be hurt.”

Ben’s life went down hill too. He would wake up to get stoned and then drink himself to sleep, self-medicating in an effort to cope with his mounting anxiety. “The thing that really stood out to me was how little support there was and the amount of disbelief,” he says, noting that his current girlfriend was holding his hand “for moral support.” He eventually stopped bringing up the abuse altogether, even with the therapists he saw to deal the consequences. “It’s hard to speak about it openly without getting shamed,” he says.

Learning how to navigate relationships has been especially difficult. “It’s like you’ve got this siren going off that is drowning out all of your rational thoughts,” he says.  “All I can hear is, Be careful, protect yourself, she’s going to hurt you.” He also has trouble performing in bed and describes sex as something like “wandering a mine field,” always wary of the negative triggers it could set off.

Though Charlie’s symptoms were less severe, he says he’s “certainly less interested in sex than most men are” and tends to react strongly towards aggressive women. Recently, when a girl grabbed his crotch underneath a table, he jumped up and left.

“It was completely involuntary,” he says. “There were probably more graceful ways I could have handled it, but my body just did what it wanted to do.”


Respond Now
  • There are some real consequences to this. 1) If the male impregnates the female, now he’s on the hook for possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars over the next 18 years. Courts don’t care how a male impregnated a female, if the DNA matches, it’s his responsibility, period. 2) If the female is underage, will the courts care at all that the male didn’t consent? Unlikely, he’ll be charged with statutory rape.

  • Good article.  Also remember how, if current prison rape statistics were included, there would be more recorded male victims of rape, than female in the US, even without including “made to penetrate” cases.  At least some effort to acknowledge prison rape has been made in the US, that’s more than can be said for the UK.

  • I would like to say that I am one of those who just never realized until fairly recently that this is an actual rape situation. Whenever I would hear about these cases in the news, I would automatically doubt the guy, but now I would like to apologize to all men who have been raped, for being one of the doubting crowd. Rape is a crime, no matter the gender of the offender.

  • Why can’t some decent looking girl rape me??? This article makes me depressed… 

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    • It’s not rape if you like it…you must be one of those “grow some balls” men.

    • Seriously. I’m on a dry spell and wouldn’t mind waking up to it. lol (Don’t mean to be insensitive to anyone who has had this happen and it affects you.) It’s just my opinion and the truth, since it’s been a while for me. Currently, unless she had an STD or a weapon, I think I’d thank her lol.

  • For some of the comments here– it is not nice to belittle other people’s pain just because it is inconvenient for your worldview.  Being exploited or violated in any way, regardless of severity, is involuntarily painful for people of both genders.  Men showing up here to to say “I’m a man and I think these ‘raped’ men are silly wimps” is about as valid as women showing up on feminist theads to say they think feminists are man hating brutes. Claims are not substantiated or not by the demographics of the people who believe them or disbelieve them.  Telling people you have a lack of empathy is probably not a good argument for anything.

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    • It’s not that they’re wimps or lesser beings. These guys are just expressing their opinions, albeit in maybe a somewhat crude manner. But, the reality is, for a lot of guys, this wouldn’t be the type of thing that would ruin our lives. I mean we all have hooked up with someone we regret, and while I know in that situation it’s different because you choose to do so (With the help of alcohol lol), some of us, based on our personal experiences, don’t see this as much more of a violation then just a “WTF are you doing” moment, let alone rape. It’s completely ok if others do see it that way, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling that way. I guess my point is everyone is different and sees this differently. I would never judge anyone because they felt that way, I just feel differently. I always joke with my friend when I hear on the news about a teacher, usually pretty hot, sometimes a former nfl cheerleader (I don’t know why so many are lol), who has sex or propostions a 15-16 year old kid and he tells his mom or his mom finds out and cops get involved. Not that it’s wrong to do that, I just feel like at that age I was more than able to decide If I wanted to. It’s almost every kids fantasy. Where were those teachers when I was in high school? (Most of this is me being light-hearted mixed with my honest opinions. Please don’t take any offense, since none is intended, nor am I trying to take away anything from those who do feel violated). 

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      • Also, I’ve been around women who get really jumpy of agitated when they’re are around men. I feel like they think I or another guy will rape them at anytime. I always thing to myself “calm down, no one is trying to do anything.” Hell, If I even saw something like that happening, I would make sure to stop it. I’m very protective of women. Probably, because I have sisters. Maybe, some guys are like that too. 

  • It is only rape if it is a fat chick, and only if your friends find out. 

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    • I agree totally. Especially if she sits on your face. 

    • Gee, no wonder majority of men are unintelligent. Zero self-respect. Pathetic.

  • Show More
  • The sad part is that the women perps may truly not realize they are “raping” but are actually playing out a bs idea, perpetuated by the media, that men are horny all the time and indiscriminate.  Its not true, but the messages are everywhere. it is the flip side of rape culture. We need to simply understand that no means no and power games are only ok with a safety word and a consenting partner. Sex should never be used to extort,  intimidate, hurt or disempower anyone. Period. 

  • All these anti-men and anti-women comments disguest me. You people should be hating the indviduls who rape and blaming it on those indviduals responsible for their crimes, not entire genders. There’s victims from both genders. Stop saying all men and all women are evil and realize it’s certain indviduals.

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    • I agree. It’s troubling.  End the gender war.

  • Of course men can be raped by woman. Erections happen whether men want it to happen or not, also keep drugs like Viagra could be force fed to men who spare raped. Whatever the case, woman rapists deserve to be punished just as much as men who rape.

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    • Really? They happen even if you don’t want them to? A couple of times when I really liked a girl, she was hot, or it had been a while since the last time, I really wanted to, but it wouldn’t co-operate cause of nerves. And I mean I really wanted to lol

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      • Especially, if it was the first time with a new girl. Just twice, but sucks. 

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      • You may need a urologist pal.  Good luck.

  • There are other forms of sexual evil women are capable of other than coital rape.

  • First off I will admit Guys!!! There are some really Weird/Crazy Women out there today. So be on your toes. Nothing new here with male rape by a female. What young male would not get hard while asleep with a little help while he is aslep? then have his balls emptied. Maybe he will wake up? maybe not!! who knows. All I can attest to my late wife was notorious about it. she never would take no for an answer and pulled that trick on me numerous times. But i did get even on one occasion.

  • Man, I’m really a sexist. I just don’t feel empathy for these “raped” guys. I’d gladly shoot a male rapist though. 

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    • Wow, that’s terrible. How do you justify your views? How is it ok for men to get raped but not women? Men obviously are having a difficult time getting help for these incidents, that means we should help them more, not less!

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      • By the way, I’m a male named Shannon. How do I justify my views? Well, I can’t. Perhaps I’m a product of locker-room culture? I just don’t feel the same empathy for a male as I do a female. As I stated, I feel that rape (and I think of rape, as an act of violence against a female or a child)is one of the most abhorrent of crimes. Maybe I feel the way I do is because I’m fairly large and never really met a female who could over power me. Look at the picture in the article, the one where the fairly slim and attractive young lady looks down at her victim of rape in a conquestrial manner. Come on now, pathetic. I reserve my empathy (and it runs quite deep)for victims of the fairer sex. Not to sound vulgar, but in the male-world it is somewhat common to hear some jerk bragging about “doing a fat-girl.” Us guys can be creeps — that’s no secret. I always felt bad for some girl who was probably hurt by this jerk-of-a-guy bragging to others. Well, long-winded, but that’s how I am. 

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      • See the problem with this kind of thinking is that if a guy rapes or abuses a girl it’s a terrible thing and an action that should be punished. But if a girl rapes or abuses a guy, 9 times out of 10 the men who do reach out will be shamed and/or ridiculed. Why is it any different coming from the other direction? A man is no less of a human than a woman. Why does a mans basic human rights seem to be different to that of a womans? This sort of stuff happens all the time and for the most part goes completely unnoticed. It’s a confusing, often distressing situation to go through and without proper support can do some really serious long term psychological damage. When will people realise that it’s not just men that can be monsters…?

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      • NICHOLAS…, are you dumb or just plain stupid? The obvious answer to your questions is – because man can beat the sh.it out of a woman if she even tries, even close to be violent with him/upon him, while woman can not beat the shi.t out of a man if he is agresive towards her. So, if a man tell me that he was raped by a woman…, well, I would LMAO, and send him strait to the gym ~_^

      • I can say that I have had girls forcefully initiate sex with me. Even on surprise from people I wouldn’t have expected, but I wouldn’t consider it rape…. can’t rape the willing. I think this is why female on male rape is rare. The only time I can really think it would be rape is if a really small gay dude was forced by a big woman to have sex…. But than again why does the gay guy have an erection if he didn’t on some level want it… But for me, I will never turn down a good time!

      • Fair enough. Thank you for discussing your views. I’m afraid I cannot agree with them, partially because I have had male friends (2 of them) in emotionally/ mentally abusive relationships and it was pretty horrible to watch. As far as I know they never felt physically inferior, they were just very worried about what she would do to herself or what she would tell others if my friends did not do what these girls wanted.

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      • Actually they are not my views, but a conditioning of sorts in the culture in which I was raised.  This culture is prevalent. If society is to evolve to a higher sense-of-morality, it takes understanding of the root-problem. Understanding comes forth from civil-discourse, such as we are having here. You mention emotional/mental abuse. Of that I am familiar — been through it, horrible, it’s indescribable. I’d rather break a leg then go through it again. It took a lot of introspective analysis with a therapist to move forward with positive mental-health. And here now, through this interaction, I believe I’ve grown a-bit yet more as a human-being enlightened.  

      • FEMinism killed this shamed dude

      • Out of curiosity, at what point do you loose your empathy for a male?  I mean, little boys get molested and “raped” by adult women–so does that mean its wrong before they turn 18, but once that are “legal” it is suddenly ok?? Or should that little boy “man-up” too?

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      • Ah, the age-old question, “When does a boy become a man?” Well, once a boy has chopped down a tall fir tree with an axe, has ridden a buffalo bareback, and flew a balloon solo across the Pacific; then I’m like, “hey that’s a real-man.” C’mon DIDAME, of course I feel empathy (outrage)at any child being molested by any sex. I’m reacting to the context of this article.

      • I too WAS a big and athlectic guy, and YES I was raped by 7 women cause I said no to one of them when we went out. While I was asleep, I awoke to a girl on top of me, when she finished another took her place over and over. The part before I awoke was while I was asleep, they had tied me to the 4 posts of the bed and 2 loops around my neck. Every time I would start to get soft, they would use oral stimulation and whatever else and get me aroused again, this went on for over 7 hours, then  they told me if I tried to reprt it, they threatened me that they would claim I raped them, afterall, my sperm was in them. But I did go to the police, they laughed at me and told me to get the hell out of the police station. I had rope burns on my arms and legs and neck and the cops said they did not want to hear about my wild sex life. I was then forceable removed from the police station. Apx 5 years after it happen and I was in a serious relationship, they came to me again and did it again, again and again, then they sent photos to my girlfriend and told her I was cheating on her, they had the ropes covered in the photos and doctored the photos to look like it was me cheating on her. That went one for over a year. She left me and I then turned to drinking, that was my only salvation, they tried again after I was drunk all the time but I guess with so much rum in me, I could not get hard no matter what they did. I drank a minimum of 2 fifths of rum a day for over 3 years and was a bad drunk, spent every cent I had, and I did have a lot of money at that point in my life and was living on the streets by then when an old bag lady helped me, she said she knew what those women did to me over and over again and took me into her  home in an abondoned apt building, she turned me around and helped me, I have not drank since. I still to this day can not get an erection no matter what. It has affected me mentally and physically. I still have no life, I just exsist and want to die so bad but I can not bring myself to ending my life, I have tried but for some reason, it does not work, I live thru it or my freaking shotgun jambed, I can not do anything right, damn I wish I could just lay down and die. Those women still appear in my life and I wish they would stop.

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      • Hey man, you should get rid of your shotgun and check into resources for therapy. Please do.

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      • Shannon, I think it’s cool that you’re taking an active and open approach to this coversation, and actually taking something away from it. Kudos.

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      • Thanks Shawn.

      • Yeah, he’s a sexist that’s nice to women and children because he thinks they’re weak and should be pitied.He doesn’t realize that no one is invulnerable and that anyone can be victimized…not because they are inherently weak, but because there will ALWAYS be some point that someone is vulnerable or have the odds stacked against them or someone will be bigger, badder, stronger to take advantage of them.Cool. Karma states that some guys will rape you in prison and people like you will not feel sorry for you and that if you have any integrity, you will not be sorry for you, either after it happens.

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      • If your refering to me; your way off. Did you just perform an amateur psycho-analysis, concerning me — going off what I’ve posted? If so, don’t pursue psychology as a career, but work if you would, on your blatant judgement of others.

      • I agree with you. I tend to define it as penetration. Sorry, if some views don’t mesh with everyone’s here. That’s how real life works. People have different opinions based on your experiences. Does that give you the right to judge us. Hell no. If you don’t want an open exchange of information and view points, you should write at the end of the article “Only comment if you share the opinion that this is rape and that it is exactly the same as man raping a woman.”

      • Surely you do at least know that male on male rape goes on a lot?  Doesn’t that disgust and terrify you?

  • This is horrible! What is wrong with our society! No means no damnit!

  • I absolutely believe that these men have been raped. After all, what else do women do to the men in their lives other than try to violate and hurt them? When it comes to picking who is the evil gender, women will always win out. Men are better than women, in every way, and we always will be.

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    • Yes, of course – you make better serial killers, dictators, warmongering politicians – we can’t compete.

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      • You forgot they make better child molesters too

    • Hate the rapists, not the gender as a whole.

  • I knew a man whose roommate’s friend attacked him in his sleep. Like in the article, he woke up to her straddling him, only she had a knife to his throat saying she’d kill him if he didn’t make her climax. When it was over she told him she’d go to the police claiming he’d raped her if he ever told anyone.Later when the trauma caused him sexual issues with his wife, she left him claiming he had ‘turned gay’. 

  • Nice Headline pun

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    • F!@# you rape apologist. If that was told about a girl who has been raped, world war 3 would have be errupted with your feminazi friends.

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      • Woah, guy

  • How is this rape? a) he was hard (albeit this may be morning wood, wouldn’t it have softened again if he was really turned off?) b)he didn’t make even an attempt to stop her. It would be rather easy for him to push her off. c)he didn’t even SAY no, he pretended to be into it!! how in the seven hells is the girl supposed to know he is not into it, if he pretends that he is

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    • Are you serious? Consent isn’t lack of “no.” A sleeping person can’t consent. She was already having sex with him before he even woke up. That’s rape.If he were a woman, you wouldn’t have even asked. You don’t have to fight in order not to give consent.

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      • Yeah, but.. I’m confused, too.  Men ARE generally stronger than women.  If a woman awoke to a man on top of her, she fights (sans the presence of a knife or something).What stops a guy from awakening, finding some sleaze huffing and puffing on him, and shoving her to the floor?  Is the arousal so paralyzing he is incapable of removing the source of stimulation?MissNerdyPants has a point.  A scientific answer would be far better than a snarky splatter of spittle. 

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      • If a women gets drunk of her own choice and action (ie no one forced or encouraged her to get blackout drunk) and wakes up next to a guy the next morning she can report it as a rape. In fact there was a man at Oregon State University that got 6 years in prision for that exact situation. The women was a virgin and she only knew she had had sex because the man left a note saying he liked her and wanted to do it again.

      • +
      • The key here are all the times that the women forcing the men to have sex say “If you tell anyone about this, I’ll say you raped me.” If the man uses physical violence on her, it’s even more damning.

      • Ever heard of knives or drugs?

      • We are talking here about nice guys, normally good natured. Their first instinct is not to hurt her feelings and resolve it nicely with her. Not to push off. Meanwhile it proiceeds. And only later after this is over the feeling of being used and violated takes over. Also men are afraid of being accused of a million things. This is usually going on within some social circle. They have common friends etc etc. This act by a woman violates all that is good and generous in this young man. It is emotional violation part of it that is most hurtful. As is with man-on-female rape.

    • Wow, how do you think you would react if you woke up to a man inside of you. Would you be scared? Would you scream or would you be afraid of him hurting you? Would you say no to something that was already happening?

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      • Technically if this happens outside of marriage, its rape. You shouldn’t have to fight or even say no especially if you’re bound and gagged. However, for stupid juries or judges, it would be best for you to at least indicate in some way that despite some possible way they got it twisted in their head that it was ok, that they need to stop now, that you’re not giving consent.

    • +
    • I wonder how many men you’ve accused of rape apology….

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      • “I wonder how many men you’ve accused of rape apology….”I wonder how many men she’s raped, if she’s so confident doing this isn’t rape.

    • a.)  I’ve had my penis touched during an argument, and while I didn’t want to have sex nor was I in the mood, it responded.b.)  Push her off, she screams, people come in, she starts crying and says he forced her.  Who’s going to be believed?c.)  First off, see A & B.  Not only has your right to consent already been taken, you have to worry about how the girl will react if you say no.  Someone crazy enough to see a sleeping dude and just decide to get on his penis could very well be a lunatic or a drama queen.  Add onto it all these internal fears that are flooding you for the first time.It would be super easy to punch the hell out of a girl who just starts riding you in your sleep, but after that moment.. she’s laying there, bleeding and crying.. you’re standing or sitting there, still rock hard.  A guy in that situation just cannot win, at all.

    • Oh, let me point out something. If she had wanted to, she could have twisted in a strange way and damaged his penis. No man wants that. Breaking the penis lis like breaking a bone…. that stuff’s painful.

    • Uh-oh! We’ve got a smart ass over here.Let’s say you have a penis my dear and you found a girl on top of you. If she twisted the wrong way, she’d break your penis, and that shit is painful, like a damned bone getting snapped in there.Also. Morning wood doesn’t go down until you pee. When you’re just waking up you’re nto in the fully aware state of mind to do anythign about that. Maybe you’re superhuman. Most men are not.

    • Do you think women are never wet when they get raped or climax?

    • How is this rape? a) he was hard (albeit this may be morning wood, wouldn’t it have softened again if he was really turned off?)

      A person’s autonomic physical responses are NOT an indication of desire. In studies they show a woman who witnesses a sexual act, or if her brain thinks sex might happen, her vagina “gets wet”. This is an autonomc physical response that was developed over years of evolution in order to protect her body from rape from other tribes. It is also that same response her body will have when she actually wants to have sex. So because her vagina gets wet, she was ok with being raped? That is essentially what you just said in your ignorance of male anatomy.

      b)he didn’t make even an attempt to stop her. It would be rather easy for him to push her off.

      WOW! First off, not everyone can wake up from sleep, see something happening, and instantly make rational decisions. But as to the “easy for him to push her off”, it CLEARLY shows how ignorant you are of current domestic violence laws. A good friend of mine was breaking up with a girl and trying to leave the house. She keep grabbing him, trying not to let him leave. She wrapped her hands around his waiste, and he grabbed her hands and pulled them off, eventually making it out the door. The cops come to his house later, charge him with assaulting her. She had told them she was knocked unconscious for 20 minutes, she feared for her life, he was beating the hell out of her. There was ZERO evidence, not a single mark on her body. If you are knocked unconscious, there is a 100% chance this certain chemical forms. She had absolutely none of it in her system. For simply an accusation he spent over a month in jail. THIS IS NOT RARE! This happens all the time, because of primary aggressor laws! And any chick that is willing to break into your place and rape you in your sleep, i might have laid there and shut my mouth to because the alternative is that I can do jail time just on a story she makes up.

      c)he didn’t even SAY no, he pretended to be into it!! how in the seven hells is the girl supposed to know he is not into it, if he pretends that he is

      The fact he didn’t say no, doesn’t mean he wanted it, and you clearly didn’t read the article, nor do you have empathy or understand for the position of men. He didn’t pretend to like it, he pretended to have an orgasm in an attempt to get her to stop, thinking if he did it she would finish and go away, without having to confront her.

    • are you daft?

    • I think it goes without saying, if the boy is sleeping, he doesn’t wanna have sex with you…end of story

    • I once had a woman crying and begging me to stop. However, she had erect nipples so I know I did nothing wrong and am free to force many women to have sex with me. I feel so liberated! Thank you for your comment!

  • It is truly sad that men who are victimized don’t get the same support as women do. Being forced to have sex against your will is disgusting regardless of who the aggressor is. As a youngster males are taught not to cry because it is a sign of weakness.  I teach my son that it is not ok for anyone to violate his body or personal space. Men have feelings too and when society can start to at accordingly, we will be in a much better place.

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    • “As a youngster males are taught not to cry because it is a sign of weakness.”While I don’t disagre with you that males are taught this at a young age, my problem with this assertion always being trouted out is the implicet assumption that this is the problem, rather than a symptom of the real problem… And that, as an assertion (crying s a sign of weaknes), that it is false. What never comes along with this adage is the questions of why crying is viewed as a sign of weakness, and why appearing weak is unacceptable for guys, but not women.The reality is, if a man cries, society lacks the compassion for men to do anything to support him (and this is an issue both sexes are guilty of), meaning there literally is nothing to be gained from crying beyond what it does for men personally (and what that does is rather subjective). But moreover, that same lack of compassion for men often manifests itself in using the event that caused that man’s pain being used to undermine him, his confidence or his ability to defend himself againt other accusations… meaning his expressing his pain (through anything except maybe anger), not only gains him nothing, but can actually be used to hurt him further… If you ask me, that kind of fits the definition of showing ones weakness (read vulnerability, like weak spot, not as in lack of strength). And if the adage is actually true, then presenting it as a falsity without actually acknowledging, let alone addressing the reasons it is true will only cause more harm than good.

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      • What the hell was that?!

  • 1in6.org has helped me. As I am a survivor of this from a close family member. I have had little support and help. I have been disowned by a whole part of my family. Pain is my life due to this. I am happy this story was posted. To others out there. Hang in there you are not alone.

  • Now this is how you handle talking about female-on-male rape. I will honestly confess that I personally haven’t taken it as seriously as I should in the past because of the way people use it not to help male victims, but to attack women and female victims. It appeals to common sense, really, that men are raped by women fairly frequently, but the way it’s taken advantage of, with the statistics wildly exaggerated, only serves to discredit an idea most people are pretty skeptical of in the first place. Hopefully the article will help clearer heads take this issue more seriously.

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    • I don’t think I’ve ever seen an article on male rape used as a way to blame female victims – or women, for that matter.In the part where articles try to explain why nobody seems to care about male rape, I’ve seen them cite famous incidents where prominent feminists have actively silenced the issue of male rape – is that what you mean?I hope you arent suggesting that attacking prominent feminists who silence talk about male rape is the same as attacking women and female victims. 

    • Not sure about frequently, but I would probably think that it could happen and that it wouldn’t be widely reported due to shame or being treated as if there was something wrong with the reporter (“victim”) and THAT seems to be an issue that occurs more often than not, especially since you’re reporting it to a profession that is more than 51% chance to be male (Police, ER doctor) or a woman who is part of the problem that upholds different standards for men/women, which for most things has no relevance to biology of chromosomal sex.Actually, its been shown that things like talking about emotions and feelings and being able to display them in a reasonable manner is actually more healthy in the long run and that the opposite is actually harmful and leads to acting out in violence and other harmful behavior that is marginally allowable by culture but not by law, strangely enough. If you want to argue that its not allowed by culture, then don’t look at movies, television, music, video games, sports, writing that includes “acceptable” violence by men that would be considered odd or unusual when done by women. Different/double standards are alive and well, but they shouldn’t be.

  • Interesting

  • RAINN.org is so often forgotten. This site is very helpful, and from the very first time I found it around a decade or more ago it touched on the topic of males getting raped. It is rape, it is NOT ok, and there are support systems out there. 

  • Really ?

  • Thank you for writting this. It happens far more than people know.

  • thank you for writing this piece. It was very helpful and moving. I want to help you guys raise awareness, and I’d love to get educated about what other ways I could help. Feel free to message me Elizabeth!

  • Yes, I absolutely agree this is rape. It’s just as much rape as a female school teacher hooking up with a little boy is child abuse. It’s shameful this happens. As women, we don’t want our bodies violated. Many women HAVE been violated. Why on earth would it be any different for men? They suffer the same consequences we do when they are violated. It’s a sad shame this happens, and what’s even sadder is that these men are so humiliated they won’t even talk about it. If we’re going to teach equal righs, then we should back that up with equal protections.  

  • Yes, men can be raped by women. Any sex act entered into without consent is rape, bottom line.

  • Amusing misuse of ‘laid’ in paragraph one… 

  • Sooooo….  yeahhhhh…..

  • interesting

  • A recent study of sexual violence found that women by age 18 were almost
    equally as likely as men to commit sexual abuse (at 48 percent and 52
    percent, respectively). Which study is this? Would like to know it.

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    • Yes, study please. Also, thank you for writing this piece. 

  • Excellent article.  This just needs to keep being talked about. Any unwanted sexual advance is a deep personal violation for anyone despite their gender.  There have to be a few brave souls that lead the way in bringing this issue to light. As it comes to light there will be more empathy for the victims, until then the victims that are brave enough to talk about it will need to be surrounded by others that uphold them. Shame is a tactic for the abuser and ignorant.  So when  someone is using “shame” statements, at least they are identifying themselves.

  • Dear RY and FREEDUMB, you’re exactly the reason these men don’t want to talk about these instances. You two have probably never experienced a single traumatic event in your lives. If you had, you would show a little more respect.

  • you “men” are pinoccio in disguise. not only are you “not a real boy” you are also exaggerating and more than likely telling lies. you more than likely has the “encounter ” then realised you diddnt enjoy and are infact….a gay “man” LOL

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    • Obviously you are one of the people that need to be educated… Do you not see that rape can happen to anyone? Sex is not always enjoyable, especially in cases of abuse or when the victim is threatened. Many women who are raped also climax, but that does not mean that they wanted it. Our bodies have natural biological responses that we cannot control. Just like young men who experience erections while in school, public places, etc. This does not mean that they are sexually aroused- their bodies are taking control of everything regardless of what they want mentally. Please educate yourself before making wild accusations that just make you sound unintelligent. Thanks.Also, calling others gay does not solidify your own confidence in your sexuality. And being gay is not an insult.

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      • The sad part is that RY probably isn’t even ready for such a rational response.

  • hahahahahahaThis must be a joke!clearly these so called men have issues, something is not right in their head!How the fuck can you get raped by a girl 2 years younger than you and then let that scar you for life!?im confused… any fit birds feel like raping someone, i dont mind walking down your alley looking vulnerable… if you see me just do it! 

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    • my reply to RY applies to you as well by the way. Educate yourself.

    • Rape is rape. If a man does not consent, then it’s rape. Being taken advantage of will damage ANY human psyche. You wouldn’t know about that, though. You’re obviously not human. Pathetic.

  • Why didn’t she just flirt with him and touch his hand?  That’s usually all it takes if you are a decent looking female.

  • Great article, as a female it never even crossed my mind men were dealing with this kind of abuse. Reading this certainly made me think about it. wow

  • wow who knew so many men went through stuff like that jeez….it scares me a bit

  • I don’t quite understand humanity anymore. So females can rape females, males can rape males, males can rape females, but female sexually assaulting a male is not rape? What??? 

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    • Technically, females raping females is also not possible, unless “tools” are used. Rape (in most places) requires the victim to be penetrated.

  • It is so one sided if a man and woman are both drunk and have sex the woman was taken advantage of. When I was 24 I was fed a massive among of alcohol and woke up with a naked girl in my bed I woke up and told her you have to leave right now I had no reccolection of sleeping with her and never would have under normal circumstances. She went around and told everyone that I slept with her and on return my girlfriend had no sympathy and broke up with me. I have gotten her back now and been with her for 3 years but only after I “admitted” that I cheated on her and appologized. To this day our relationship is troubled and she does not trust me. I did not think of it as rape until I read this article. That just shows how skewed the whole perception of rape is..

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    • Bro, I don’t want to be insensitive. But, you got too drunk. I know the sexes are supposed to be equal and everything is the same, Nothing is different. But, I just think that’s not entirely true. Women are more vulnerable than men. That’s just how it’s been forever. I’m not trying to be mean, this is just my opinion. It’s too bad that you had sex with someone you wouldn’t have had otherwise, but I don’t think there’s such a thing as delayed rape. It’s probably more hindsight bias, since you just read this article. And clearly you only care because it could have messed things up with your gf, glad it didn’t. As a man, I’ve grown up with the belief that you have to be careful with women, more so then women have to be with men. I always make sure I’m not dominating or coercive. When I was in my teen I’d alway ask “are you sure. do you like that” etc.. I dunno. Maybe things are changing, and gender roles are just blurring, and there won’t be differences or delineated roles anymore. Seems weird if there’s no such thing as gender or gender idenity in the future. 

  • An excellent article, however; it would be helpful to include references to support stated ‘facts’ (i.e. …1 in 16…etc.).

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    • Hi Sharlot Pearl, 

      These were all taken from the CDC’s national survey, as mentioned in the beginning of the piece. Apologies if that wasn’t clear. Thank you for the comment!
  • A couple corrections for this otherwise excellent article:It’s closer to 1 in 6 for women.That included attempted rapes, which makes up a significant proportion of all the rates posted in thus article.Additionally, for the 12 month period, equal number of men and women were raped/made-to-penetrate.

    1 Reply - Reply Now
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