Woman getting up, man sleeping --- Image by © Tommy Kay/Corbis

The Hard Truth About Girl-on-Guy Rape

When a guy is "made to penetrate" a female, is it rape? Long-suffering male victims are turning to Reddit to break their silence

Charlie woke up to a blank-faced girl straddling him. He had been disrobed, was erect, and as her hips began to shift in short, quick movements, he realized he was inside of her. Frozen with disbelief, Charlie laid still. He faked climaxing, hoping it would prompt her to dismount and leave the room. Eventually she did, but only after he rolled to his side and pretended to sleep.

The next morning Charlie wasn’t sure what to think. Had an underclassman he knew only by name really entered his dorm room and had her way with him as he slept? It all seemed so absurd, like the makings of an awkward wet dream. Except Charlie had zero interest in this girl. He had never spoken to her, kissed her or even tried to catch her eye. He felt neither lucky nor flattered, just extremely perturbed.

“The most traumatic part was the complete assumption of consent,” he tells me nearly two decades later. “I was physically revolted by the experience. It just felt so shockingly wrong.”

In a recent study, 1 in 6 male college students reported having been raped. (Corbis)

The concept of a woman forcing a man into a sex act can seem paradoxical, if not physiologically impossible. The assumption, likely shared by Charlie’s abuser, is that guys are always in the mood and an erection constitutes consent; but there’s a uniquely afflicted class of male victims who would strongly disagree. Lost in a cultural blind spot, they have been left to suffer in silence without resources and often without the empathy of family or friends.

According to the CDC: "Being made to penetrate someone else includes times when the victim was made to, or there was an attempt to make them, sexually penetrate someone without the victim’s consent because the victim was physically forced (such as being pinned or held down, or by the use of violence) or threatened with physical harm, or when the victim was drunk, high, drugged, or passed out and unable to consent."

According to the Center for Disease Control’s national survey on sexual violence, more than 5 million men in the United States have been “made to penetrate” someone else in their lifetime, whether by coercion, intimidation, or because they were incapacitated. In a largely overlooked study focusing exclusively on college males, 51.2 percent of participants reported experiencing a least one incident of sexual victimization, including unwanted sexual contact (21.7 percent), sexual coercion (12.4 percent) and rape (17.1 percent).  Of course, most men assume they’ll be ostracized for reporting such emasculating violations, so the real numbers are likely at lot higher.

Since that initial morning-after, Charlie tried his best to shrug off the whole thing. He was in college after all, a time when sexual encounters are habitually fleeting. But the more he replayed the story in his head, the more he realized it was actually wearing on him. “I didn’t really have the mental framework to encapsulate it as a violation at the time,” he says. “It was just a really invasive experience. All I could think was, How can I get this to end? How can I get this to end without hurting her?”

“Made to penetrate” cases are all the more complicated because of a man’s lack of autonomy over his own penis. “It was too late to tell her I wasn’t interested in having sex, because she was already having it with me,” Charlie says. “It was all so unexpected.” Just because a man gets hard doesn’t necessarily mean he’s enjoying it. As with female victims, sexual arousal can be involuntary. Even ejaculation in cases of male rape is often the result of a mechanical biological response—not a sign of hot-blooded desire.

Charlie and his abuser never spoke after the incident, and he says he spent the rest of his senior year in fear of the story getting out. He would see her whispering with her friends as they looked his way, and he grew paranoid by what she might say. “I had this worry that if anyone heard about it I would seem like a monster or a predator,” he says. “I was 20. She was 18. I was a guy. She was a girl. It was my understanding that only men can commit sex crimes, so pretty much anything would have been more believable than the truth.”

And he’s probably right. Of the 20,100 suspects arrested for forcible rape in 2010, less than 1 percent were female, a victim-perpetrator gender divide that’s all but cemented in public perception. Gender roles may have evolved in the years since Charlie’s ordeal, but our assumptions about who takes advantage of whom remain rigid, despite evidence to the contrary: A recent study of sexual violence found that women by age 18 were almost equally as likely as men to commit sexual abuse (at 48 percent and 52 percent, respectively).

It took Charlie, now a 41-year-old software developer, 15 years to start talking about what happened to him, and when he finally told a few friends their reactions went something like this: “Weird. I guess she thought you were hot.”

Reddit users, however, were more sympathetic: “Same boat as me brother,” wrote user Kuljika in response to Charlie’s confessional post. “Sleep-rape fistbump.” Forums like the often controversial Men’s Rights subreddit have become a haven for emotionally battered victims (and frustrated men in general). Like group therapy, it’s a place where they can share their stories anonymously and connect with others without feeling vulnerable. “It was really the first step towards healing for me,” says Ben, a 23-year-old male victim I spoke to who posted about his own nocturnal boner-turned-living-nightmare. “It’s good to know there are others out there.”

There are hundreds of threads dedicated to victims of female-on-male sexual abuse, many of which read like locker-room rap sessions, but with a little more empathy and advice: “Try and let go of that shit holding you back, I’m not saying it’s going to be easy,” “Good to hear that someone else has this problem” or “That’s rough. Do feel. Don’t suck it up.” Unfortunately, as with any subreddit, the conversation can get bogged down by extremists and in this case more than a few misogynists. “Some people use their experience as a crutch to hate women,” says Ben. But with few alternative resources, the Reddit community will have to do. “There’s not really another home for guys who want to talk about these things,” Charlie says. Though there are sites like MaleSurvivor.org and 1and6.org, female-on-male sexual abuse is still a marginal topic.

“It’s not like we’re infinitely powerful and women are Playdough,” says Jake. “Guys get hurt just as much. We’re just not allowed to show it.” (Corbis)

In 1927 the U.S. Department of Justice define rape as “the carnal knowledge of a female, forcibly and against her will.” 

Version 2.0 was instated in 2012, and is much broader: “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” 


Male victims were actually excluded from the legal definition of rape until the Department of Justice updated it in 2012, 85 years after the fact. Even now, it only accounts for those men who were anally or orally raped by males. In other words, an ill-intentioned penis and a vulnerable orifice are imperative to a rape indictment. Similarly, the Oxford English Dictionary maintains that only “a man who commits rape” can be called a rapist. While quibbling over the semantics might seem petty, there are real implications, not only for victims, but also for the way statistics are influenced.

In the CDC’s national survey of sexual violence, for example, “made to penetrate” is not included as a form of rape. If it were, incidents of male rape would rise from 1 in 71 to a staggering 1 in 16 nationally (female rape is just under 1 in 5). The majority of the offenders of male victims would also be female.

The authors of the survey, which is sponsored by the Violence Against Women Act, maintain that being “made to penetrate” is a form of sexual victimization unique to males, and therefore independent of rape. As a consequence, “made to penetrate” cases seem less criminal, and certainly less provocative. In a situation like Charlie’s, the distinction appears to make sense: “Most people think of rape as a violent attempt to hurt another person. I don’t really know what was going through this girl’s head at the time, but I don’t think she was there to traumatize me. I guess she just wanted to have sex with me and assumed that’d be ok.”

Of course, for even the gentlest male sleep-rapist, “I assumed she’d be into it” doesn’t exactly fly in court. Consent reigns supreme, and to pursue a female without it is to invite culpability. In “made to penetrate” cases, the line is often far more ambiguous. Still, there are plenty of female aggressors who don’t leave much to interpretation.

“I didn’t call it rape at the time because it didn’t even occur to me that I could be raped,” says Ben, who agreed to speak with me over Skype. “All I knew was that what happened to me was not ok. It was a horrifying situation.”

Ben was sexually assaulted by an ex-girlfriend three years ago after she broke into his home in the middle of the night. Like Charlie, he woke up to his intruder sitting on top of him, his penis stiff and penetrating her.

“It was a uniquely violating experience because between morning wood and what she was doing to me, I couldn’t keep myself from getting hard,” he says. “I just felt completely helpless.”

Ben’s ex had been abusive throughout the relationship, both physically and verbally. She would often threaten suicide in order to force him to do various things, from abandoning his friends to pleasuring her. The night she broke into his house she had slashed up her legs in a fit of psychotic rage, screaming that she would kill herself if he didn’t satisfy her every wish. By morning there were bloodstains splattered across his sheets.

Just as with female victims of sexual violence, more than 1 in 4 men are abused at the hands of an intimate partner. According to the CDC, of the 5,451,000 who report having been “made to penetrate,” 45 percent were victimized by a current or former girlfriend, 45 percent by an acquaintance, and just 5 percent by a stranger. But while male abusers tend to achieve their ends through physical means, women often employ more psychological methods, like extortion: I’ll say you hit me. I’ll divorce you. I’ll kill myself. I’ll kill you.

Women also pursue their victims in situations when they’re more vulnerable, whether drunk, sleeping, sick, drugged or demoralized by psychological venom.

“When I realized what was happening I was paralyzed both mentally and physically,” Ben says. “She had convinced me that everything was my fault. That I was the one hurting her. It was awful. I just felt really alone.”

Ben’s ex also threatened to tell the authorities that he had raped her if he dared tell anyone about what had happened, a variation on an intimidation tactic commonly associated with male-on-female rape. Victims are often told, “No one will believe you.” However, only female abusers can say, “Not only won’t anyone believe you, but they’ll believe me because I am a woman. There’s proof that we had a sexual encounter, and I can use that against you.”

Even without diabolical exes to worry about, it’s pretty hard for the average American male to know how to process the mental shrapnel. Bro culture can exacerbate the feelings of denial and shame victims often experience—guys are told to man up, don’t be such a pussy, grow some balls—and in the end, they’re a lot less likely to seek help.

According to the CDC’s survey, men who have been victimized by an intimate partner experience poorer physical and mental health than those who haven’t. And recent studies of sexually victimized college males show increased instances of hostility, depression, substance abuse, sexual risk-taking behavior and its opposite, sexual dysfunction.

Jake, a 39-year-old video game developer, hasn’t had sex since he escaped a sadistic relationship two years ago. “Hell, I can’t even masturbate sometimes because I get too upset,” he wrote in a candid post on Reddit.

Like Ben, Jake’s girlfriend assaulted him verbally and physically, and she often refused to take no for an answer. “She extorted sex from me on multiple occasions and threatened to kick me out,” he says, in a conversation over Skype. “I felt really ashamed, but it wasn’t a situation that brute strength could have gotten me out of.”

Jake had also been abused as a child and had spent a lifetime trying to move past it, only to get derailed by someone he thought he could trust. Facing clinical depression and severe intimacy issues, he sought professional help, but couldn’t find a therapist who would take him at his word. “There was this overwhelming idea that because she was ‘giving me sex’ that I should be inherently grateful no matter what,” he says. “It was like people couldn’t see me as a human being who could in fact be hurt.”

Ben’s life went down hill too. He would wake up to get stoned and then drink himself to sleep, self-medicating in an effort to cope with his mounting anxiety. “The thing that really stood out to me was how little support there was and the amount of disbelief,” he says, noting that his current girlfriend was holding his hand “for moral support.” He eventually stopped bringing up the abuse altogether, even with the therapists he saw to deal the consequences. “It’s hard to speak about it openly without getting shamed,” he says.

Learning how to navigate relationships has been especially difficult. “It’s like you’ve got this siren going off that is drowning out all of your rational thoughts,” he says.  “All I can hear is, Be careful, protect yourself, she’s going to hurt you.” He also has trouble performing in bed and describes sex as something like “wandering a mine field,” always wary of the negative triggers it could set off.

Though Charlie’s symptoms were less severe, he says he’s “certainly less interested in sex than most men are” and tends to react strongly towards aggressive women. Recently, when a girl grabbed his crotch underneath a table, he jumped up and left.

“It was completely involuntary,” he says. “There were probably more graceful ways I could have handled it, but my body just did what it wanted to do.”


Respond Now
  • Anyone having sex with anyone without consent is rape, end of story. This is so obvious it shouldn’t even have to be said, but because of sick people like Hairy Man, it does. It makes me sick that people not only have to deal with horror of rape, but get congratulated on having one of the worst, if not the worst thing that could happen to someone happen to them. If someone did that to me, or God forbid, someone I love, whether the rapist was male or female, I’d want them burned alive. 

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    • that’s what makes it a huge turn on. you don’t want the sex but the girl wants you so you are battling it out while the sexual tension builds up. it’s not rape. it’s a guy’s fantasy but he won’t admit it…

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      • Hairy Guy. You really don’t understand how things work do you, AND you’re not nearly as hairy as you claim to be!!! LIES! All lies!!!

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      • thanks ;)

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      • You’re a sick hairy dog. “People” like you would be better off put down.

      • You can’t claim to know what turns every man or woman on.  No one can.  That’s why consent is mandatory.  Some people like rape FANTASIES, but do not want to be raped.  Healthy BDSM and rape roleplay is constructed around prior consent and clear communication.  Some people like gentle sex.  Some people like rough sex.  Some people like men, some like women.  How are you the authority on what all men want?  Just because a female friend of mine has a rape fantasy doesn’t mean that I ever wanted to get raped.  What kind of disgusting mentality is that?

      • It’s a delusion of a sick individual who deserves to rot in hell.

  • To dumb it down for any guy, at some point there is a girl you wouldnt want or had no interest in. You hate that hair or her teeth or laugh or something anything. If that girl had sex with you and you had no choice you would Not just be ok with it. I’ve had over advancing girls make moves or gestures, ones I had little intrest in.Thats what a lot of this is about, not getting to knore or even care for the person in order to be interested or being blackmailed into sex because you care about their life.From “23 year old guy”

  • TBH it’s been my fantasy to be raped by a woman since I was about 9 and I’m now 40. Well, when I was a kid it was of a girl the same age or a grown woman.

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    • awesome fantasies! thx for sharin’

  • only a fool would believe that a girl can rape a guy. come on, give me a break.

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    • Are you really as stupid as you sound?

    • How about the case of the women holding the man at gun point, she told him he better find a way to get it up if he didn’t want his brains on the sidewalk.  still think a women can’t rape a man. 

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      • Is that stupid story still going around? I first heard it when I was 15. I am now 73. What a croc.

      • that’s an urban myth story. you’re the one still falling for it.

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    • I wish I could get my hands on people like you. Make you pay for your sick beliefs.

  • It’s not only “bro culture” that “[exacerbates] the feelings of denial and shame,” it’s the mainstream and feminist reaction.  When men reach out to feminism to hear their pain and find only derision and sexism, it’s no surprise they aren’t willing to listen anymore.

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    • It also seems to me that this might be a consequence of the historical oversexualization of women, who are often made by social and societal pressures to feel like the only thing they have to offer men is sex.  I’m sure some of the female offenders feel like they are doing the man a favour albeit maybe less so in made to penetrate cases than in cases of unwanted handjobs, etc.  You only have to look to mainstream media to see multiple examples of situations in which a man has no overt interest in a woman and yet she takes it upon herself to gratify him sexually without his explicit permission.  Such scenes appear, for example, in the Wedding Crashers, Orange is the New Black, and the Inbetweeners.I am absolutely not placing any blame on the victim – just like the hypersexualization of women in the media can’t logically place any blame on the female sexual abuse victims for wearing a short skirt.  But part of the problem is, if society doesn’t know it is a problem, how can we address it?

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      • I read somewhere about the double standard here. If a movie has a scene where a woman is tied up and raped by a man it usually ends with him being shot in the face by Bruce Willis. If it has a man tied up and raped by a woman it’s usually a romantic comedy.

  • Look, the fact everyone seems to be overlooking is that the female might have a disease. One I don’t want. Get meh?

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    • A very vvalid point, just as in male rape, female rape can not only scar you mentally, but deposit a wiude variety of unwanted deseases and viruses.A sad and sick double-whammy.  Rape, regardless of the perpetrators gender, should be treated equally.  Consent is number one, if there is not a loud, coherent, sober, verbal and physical and ongoing “Yes” During the entire act, you should not be doing it.

    • And she sue you for child support for 18 years.  And some people just don’t like getting their DNA stolen.

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      • Very true Dennis. I know a man who was drunk, girl got her deposit from him and he is now responsible for child support. We don’t expect sperm donors to pay child support. But a drunk guy at a party has to. Why is his consent implied but hers has to be clear and sober?

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      • simple laugh.

  • Show More
  • Emily Ann, my family does care if a woman gets raped and I am a a male and I care as well. The only problem are that it doesn’t happen to often where I live at. The reason why you say this is it might be because the area you live in. That are that you have lived in has men that don’t care about rape. All I am saying is don’t think the whole world doesn’t care about women getting raped.

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    • drop the “at” after live, moron.

  • she could rape me i would not be mad

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    • Even if she has an STD?

  • This is not new, just we do not speak out, to do so would bring on hatred and retaliation .. this has been happening for a long long time (friends’ mothers, friend’s older sisters, aunts, female friends) as has groping and so on. In a recent discussion with many friends, all said that they might have asked a woman out once or twice, but typically it is the woman who is the agressor .. and it is the woman who decides.  

  • I am really sorry this happens to guys. I knew it happened but I didnt know it was so prevalent. Whether the be yotch is fat and ugly or not, no one has the right to force themselves on a person…male or female. And yes I can see how this could happen Emily. It IS real and there are a lot of guys who DO care about females being raped. Unfortunately, we have a system that pretty much doesnt give a damn and if a guy is raped they are going to care even less. In San Francisco I had seen on T.V where a guy who was jogging was surrounded by nine females and forced the guy to have sex with them. I think one of the women had a knife also. This was many years ago. So it does happen and it has been happening. I just didnt know it went THIS bad. I hope someday soon our society learns to care about both males and females who are forced by whatever means and can learn to actually DO something to help. Meanwhile guys take note there are those that care and hear you. And no you are not less of a man or a wuss if this happens this kind of thing can happen to even a seasoned soldier. It can happen to anyone any time. So hang tough hopefully you’ll heal from it.   

  • Only difference is, I hid her phone so she couldn’t destroy my future.

  • To any and every man suffering through this, I am sorry the justice system fails to recognize your pain. It should. The fact that it doesn’t is a problem that needs to be fixed. Make noise about it, not just on Reddit, but on FB, Tumblr, Twitter. Do what women have had to do to get their voices heard: Get loud

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    • I agree, this has to be brought into the light more… however, online, if you’re a cisgender, white male… people slam you sayaing that your opinon doens’t count… which just makes it worse… But the more alies there are to show we do have a voice is always something to treasure.

  • This is a ridiculous article. Guys need to stop playing victim! Guys don’t give 2 shits about rape–when it happens to a girl that is. Unless a man is unconscious he can not be raped. He’s stronger and unlikely to have an erection in a situation where he’s scared. I don’t buy it-not at all. Cry me a river guys. Until you care about women who are raped, don’t expect women to care when you “supposedly” are

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    • When I was growing up in Houston, an article in the newspaper said that a man was waiting at a bus stop when a car with three women stopped, and he was forced into their car at gunpoint.  They drove to a deserted area and forced him to have sex with them.  He later reported it to the police, who asked, “Do you want to file a complaint?”  He replied, “No, I just thought someone should know about it.”True story.

    • Well clearly it is an issue Emily… we all know that when you read articles and watch the news it’s primariry woman who have been raped, but why would you diminish the fact that it could happen to men.. being stronger is the weakest excuse i’ve ever heard..!! Beause the fact that it usual is a women it would be much easier for her to turn around and say the contrary, and if no one else is around who’s to say otherwise..?! If we (being stronger) man-handled her off, gave her a few bruises in the process, then went to complain to authorities, she could say that he forced himself on her, i’ve got the bruises to prove it…!!

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      • That happens, society has demonized men .. men are not beleived, only women are believed.  

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    • Hey Emily Ann, I just wanted to point out to you that this article is not trying to make us not care about women who are raped. “Cry me a river until you care about women who are raped” you say. Well we do care and the article is not telling anyone not to care. In fact it is only trying to let you know that men can feel uncomfortable and damaged by unwanted sex. It’s very understandable that men would feel this way, who knows what diseases a stranger has. In these situations someone is taking all the power and using someone else for sexual gratification and they don’t care about the damage they are doing at all. In short, how dare you attack these victims and I encourage you to better yourself for the good of society.

    • Emily you are so beyond ignorant that I cannot even put what I am thinking into words. May God have mercy on your soul.

    • Are you serious, you’re sounding like the “No all me” hash tag. Your comment is ridiculous. Male rape is a thing not a “supposed” thing, it’s a real issue. The article addresses our societies disbelief of this issue, you are just further pointing out why this needs to be spoken about. It is people like you who make it harder for these men to speak up. Read it again, please try and understand where it is coming from. It isn’t trying to undervalue female rape, just educated about male rape. Rape is rape, no matter who is the victum is or who is the perpetrator. My deepest empathy to any men who experienced male rape. Sorry society doesn’t believe you, they will soon, our world is progressing, lets hope it gets there soon

    • Emily its women like you who force men into thinking they cant report abuse against them. Don’t buy into any social stereotype. You seem to be one to support womens rights and oppose societies stereotypical images of women yes? Then don’t be a hypocrite and suggest that it ONLY affects women and that ALL men are the same. Discounting their experience and pain is forcing the gender stereotypes. Im sorry if youve had a bad experience with men and rape but that does not give you the right to label all men then same. By saying such things you are taking value away from the #yesallwomen type campaigns and causing a lot more damage than good. 

    • You are a horrible person.

    • Oh my gosh, who said that men don’t care about women who are raped? As a fellow female I am appalled at this, this is the entire point of this article: raising awareness. Not all men are sex-crazed. I hope you realize this, because I feel sorry for you that you have such a negative outlook on this issue.

    • Emily Ann, you’re a horrible human being.

    • I should also add your opinion contributes to the very patriarchy that you are (presumably) trying to fight. Feminism is about equality, where the rape of men is just as valid as the rape of women (both horrible occurences of course), and your view is radical, unjust to the suffering of (god-forbid male…and female, for that matter) victims, and quite frankly, ignorant.

    • EMILY ANN You should be ashamed of yourself, I am certanly ashamed for you, with your small, obviously backward mind, You should try doing some research on these issues before you you make comments, your stupidity astounds me!!!   

    • WOW .. 

    • This is what is known as rape appology.Congratulations!You are a horrible person.

  • Im really glad this is being brought to light. This issue NEEDS more awareness. My boyfriend of 5 years was raped by a girl he knew for TWO months. They never spent much time alone together (and if they did it was at college or in public), most of the time when they were around one another it was in the presence of friends. Except one day. He was super stoned plus high on pain killers (He was going through a rough time, I was living out of town at the time and it made him really depressed) and she PROMISED to take him to get food and then take him directly home but instead she took him to HER house and forced herself on him. Thankfully he managed to stop her before there was any penetration, but she did assault him. Afterwards she got really clingy and started saying they were soul mates! When he rejected her she turned everything around and told everyone that HE has initiated it and was only using her for sex (which never actually happened). Honestly it took him a while to come clean to me about it because he was ashamed and worried I wouldn’t believe him because “guys can’t get raped”. Honestly the worst part about it is that this girl clamed to have been raped under the same circumstances years ago. I don’t understand why she saw fit to do the same thing to him…

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    • Our system does not hold women accountable for dishonesty and malicious acts, only men are held responsible by society and by the courts.  

  • Before reading this article I would have counted myself in the section of men not affected by this issue but as I read on and understood the situations being dicussed it really opened my eyes to an incident that occured with one of my previous girlfriends where I was sleeping in a different room and I woke up to her having sex with me and I don’t think it’s had an adverse affect on me personally, sure im a little more cautious to get close to people but the incident definitely damaged the relationship I was in, all the love and feelings I had towards her almost vanished after it, and I had trouble even explaining any feelings I had at all to her and also why I had to leave when I ended it all, I wasn’t happy anymore and I almost felt as if I wasn’t going to be able to trust another person, maybe the fact that she wasn’t abusive and also that I ended it all definitely helped

  • As long as she was not fat, or smelly, NO HARM, NO FOUL! If she was fat and smelly, PLAY MISTY FOR ME! Look it up.

  • I don’t recal this ever happening to me, but with the advent of viagra, and other boner keeper drugs I figured this was going to pop up soon. I mean there is soooo much that can be used against us. I mean it’s just as easy to be roofied as a woman. For us on the whole it’s a lot harder to realize that it has happened. The woman could drug you, ride you, and then clean you in case she was a bit on the messy side, and you really wouldn’t know. Unless of course there was some rash from friction. But even then you might would think that you had had a wet dream and done it to yourself. Women can be just as sex hungry as men. We just get the automatic “You are the attacker” because we are men. We really need to step our game in helping guys how have been victimized, and not just make fun of them.

  • I’ve had that happen to me I awoke to my ex riding me I wasn’t so anti the fact that she was having sex with me even though I’ve been rejecting her advances for weeks if not months it was more an issue knowing that if she got pregnant I would be unfairly forced to take care of her and her baby for the rest of my life

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    • My ex knowingly did that with her son’s father. But instead of unwillingly having sex with him, she lied about contraceptive use.

  • I had this older woman I use to deal with back in 2000. I was 26 and she was 32. She was extremely sexy and had a killer body. The type of body you would see in a strip club or in a rap video. We got to know each other and would have sex on a regular basis. She would always ask me for oral sex. Due to a situation that occurred when I was in elementary school, I don’t do virginal licking. She pressed me and pressed me and I wouldn’t do it. Finally on day I told her why. When I was 7, a baby sitter of mine made me perform oral sex on her. The older woman seemed sympathetic. Another few weeks passed (we were a month into our relationship) and she tried to get me to go to therapy so that I could be comfortable with giving her oral sex. She was hell bent on me giving her oral sex. Every time she mentioned oral sex my mind went back to that day when I was 7.
    I couldn’t take it anymore and ended our relationship. She was pissed off and showed her dark side. She cursed me out and said that she wasn’t done with me. A week or so passed and she apologized for putting pressure on me for her own pleasure. She played nice by sending me my favorite cookies to my job. She also sent me a gift card for a round of golf and a gift card for Omaha steaks. Everything was to my liking. Later on she asked if she could come over to my place so we could talk. I knew this was an invite for makeup sex. We had great sexual chemistry. I missed having sex with her.
    She came over the next day in a sexy dress and high heels. I opened the door and let her in knowing it was about to be on. When I turned to close and lock the door I felt a jolt go through my body and hit the floor. She quickly went into action by duct taping my hands behind my back. She managed to move me from the door to a spot in the living room. She gave me a moment and when I was coherent she said, ‘I told you I wasn’t done with you.’ She pulled off her dress and panties and helped me to my feet. I felt dizzy. She walked me over to my couch and told me to kneel down. She then sat down on the couch and opened her legs. She push my head between her legs and locked them. She said if I didn’t start licking, she was going to smother me. Her demand was met and when she was satisfied she put on her clothes and left. Thanks to those cheap Formica countertop edges I was able to tear the duct tape from my wrist.
    I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and wanted to gargle with Pine Sol to get her taste out of my mouth. I called a crisis hotline and the woman basically told me my story sounded like some from a porn story line. No police report was filed. The older woman sent several taunting text messages that stated, “ZAP ZAP!” in reference to her using her stun gun on me. An they say a woman force a man into sexual acts.

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    • I’m so sorry to hear that something like this happened to you! I wish you the best in your recovery. Males and females need to come together and spread the knowledge  to end the rape culture mentality. Nobody is entileted to our bodies. I hope you can find peace in your journey.

    • That is incredibly disgusting. It’s just so thoroughly shocking to think that someone would be able to go to sleep at night forcing an unwanted and mentally damaging memory like that and feel no regrets. Karma will catch up to her one day.

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    • It’s absolutely repellant, what this woman did to you. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story, may you & all survivors find healing, friend… stay strong, homie.

  • The comments on this article are sort of disturbing…few people like to be left feeling powerless, especially men, because of many culture’s severe social stigmitation of emmasculinity. Men who think that a woman completely having their way with them would be awesome… think about it this way: You are not being pleasured, you’re being used as a sex toy. By the woman who is mounting you, you are essentially being equated to a dildo. I don’t know about other men, but I am not interested in being humiliated and exploited like that. Funnily enough, most of the men who think that being ‘raped’ by a woman would be ‘AWESOME!’, are probably Doms. The act of being used as the tool in that situation, and enjoying it, totally screams SUB.  

  • I totally agree, No ALWAYS means No, regardless of gender, of relationship status, etc. But something I feels needs to be more prevalent in our culture is ONLY Yes means Yes. No means no, silence means no, sleeping means no, passed out means no, drugged or drunk means no. Unless a sober, conscious yes has been stated, than you don’t have consent, that is true regardless of the gender of any of the persons involved. One of the most difficult things for survivors of childhood abuse is that their perpetrator often asks “doesn’t that feel good.” And sometimes physically yes it does feel good, and then they, male or female live with this guilty feeling that it did feel good physically, even though it also felt bad. Young victims will often say “it made me feel sick in my tummy,” physical signs of anxiety manifesting even as their bodies also register the physical pleasure. This is akin to adult women and men who experience physical “pleasure” even as they are verbally or internally saying no, terrified, humiliated, etc. the human body is hard wired for physical response, and having it respond to physical stimulation is not consent. The only way these numbers are going to go down, is if we as a society stop making talking about sex a taboo thing, and start openly asking for and giving consent. Treating sex as taboo allows too much to happen under the radar, especially for teens and young adults. The feeling of “we’re not even supposed to be doing this” already starts things off on the wrong foot. So go forth and ASK for what you want, and LISTEN to and respect the response you are given. Then, unfortunately, we will only be left with the asshats who where never going to listen to your response to begin with. But, it will be a huge difference in our culture as a whole. Ladies and Gentlemen, ask first.   

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    • No only means no when women say no, when men say no, they are ignored 

  • At many occasion girls I have been with or were friends with assumed that the decision of having sex or any form of sexual advance is solely theirs while the guy is always ready for sex. This form of thinking in the women’s mind tell a lot about the socail conditioning that exist in the society.

  • Good article.  As a guy who’s used force to repell unwanted sexual advances more than once, I’m glad this is being discussed.

  • Wow men getting raped, thank God it wasn’t gang rape.LOL

  • Back in the 1990′s I was working for a private investigation company. One assignment I had was to gather as much info as I could on a man living in New Jersey. I bugged his car, house and office with voice activation and hidden video surveillance for almost three weeks. While I was collecting the info on the man I also came across some interesting things concerning his live in niece. His wife’s brother was serving in the Marines and had a daughter out of wedlock, and so, this man & wife took her in to live with them. She was the product of a short love affair with a female Marine, who wanted nothing to do with the girl. She was 14 at that time.I captured her seducing her cousin who was 12, mostly performing oral sex on him. Another capture was with a male family friend, about 36 at the time. This 14 year old female initiated with masturbation and then oral sex on the family friend.On the tape you can hear the male family friend asking her where she learned to perform oral sex so well, for he claimed that was one of the best he ever had. She responded that she use to shower with her father when she was little and he let her wash his penis all the time when they showered together. The father was never married to the mother, nor was the mother present in this girls life, but when the time came when she would be with the father this was common for her to shower and sleep in the same bed with him. She went on to say that she started with the oral sex while sleeping in her father’s bed during those visits. She would then be shipped off to some other relative when the father was sent to some other far off place with the Marines. She had sex with multiple male relatives, mostly the males in their teens and could remember having oral sex with a boyfriend of some aunt she once stayed with for a short time. The girl was obviously over sexed due to the father allowing such behavior. He never stopped her or corrected her when she began touching him in the shower, not to mention that he should have never allowed her in with him in the first place. She had become a nymphomaniac and could not control herself anymore. She had a reputation at school and with the neighborhood boys as the girl to go to for a quick, easy blow job.She never refused anyone. I reported this to my bosses and inquired if we should hand over the audio/video tapes to the police. I was told no and to remove all equipment and bring them into them immediately. I did as told. When I eventually asked what happened with that investigation (I was removed from it and assigned on another case) I was told that the bosses destroyed all of the tapes and never reported what they uncovered to the authorities. The reason was because we were investigating the original suspect for  embezzlement and what we had done was totally illegal. They only needed to find out if he was the one or if it was someone else. Once they knew who to go after with the formal legal investigation, they would play make believe that they really caught him without those illegal means.I never found out what happened with that girl for I left that company and started a new career. But I must admit that it still bothers me to this day that nothing was done and if this girl ever had a normal happy life….. or what if ??????

  • NOBODY should be made to have sex againts there will. for women they are physically force they know they were raped. for men is has to be hard to feel that your body betrayed you, because you have an erection there for you must have wanted to have sex with that person or your body wouldn’t have reacted that way. even if you mind didn’t want to. this is crazy men & women should be treated the some if it happens to you you should be able to go to the police and feel like they are doing all they can to help you get a convection againts the person who assaulted you. They should also get you the help you need to move past it, and with the right help you CAN move past it.      

  • Okay, now reverse the situation. A male enters a female college class-mate’s room in the middle of the night, and starts trying and then having sex with her. She wakes up as he is trying and goes along with it. Doesn’t say, politely or otherwise, that she isn’t interested. I wonder how the media would portray this, my guess is not unlike the rest of “girl cries rape” cases. People would say this young woman is a(n) idiot/slut/liar/whatever, consented to the sex (through the lack of signs of disinterest) and is completely out of place to call such an act rape. It’s interesting how much attention this story is getting, and sympathy. I’m not suggesting it is not deserved, merely addressing the fact that if this were to happen with a young woman, few would be stepping in to call it rape. She would just be an attention-seeking whore, lying about her sexual encounters to cover-up her promiscuity. 

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    • I have been that girl, and it is wrong but this is wrong too. No means no of any sort, this is simply shining the light on the other side. No one ever believes either side, people always think it’s just that person being dramatic. Don’t make more reasons for someone to be scared and ashamed to reveal their truth…

    • I believe the majior differnce in the two situations is the obvious one, their gender. This makes the argument “if this happened to a girl” irrelevant. As much as we want to say that both situation should be treated equally we can’t. In todays society men and women are brought up and treated differently, expecially when it comes to sex and rape. In a typical situation where the woman is raped and she seeks help it is seen as nothing but awful and they recieve support and help. With men, as this article points out, that is not the case. There’s a stigma that assumes that only men can over power and rape women. But the phsycological abuse of a situation such as this can be just as paralyzing and scaring.

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      • This article is talking about male rape victims. Don’t derail it and try to make it about female rape victims. Women don’t appreciate it when male impede their space, so don’t do the same to male victims of rape.

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    • Its far easier to tell a guy your not interested than to tell a girl who’s on top of you who will often be crushed or outright not accept your answer. I had a girl start touching herself on my bed despite the fact I made it clear I was in a relationship and not interested at all. Despite this she continued after that to aggressively pursue me. For me it was more a situation where I felt bad saying I wasn’t interested and I didn’t see what else I could do that wasn’t extreme. What I mean by extreme is like cutting that person out of your life for example. Because she was very unstable which is part of the reason I didn’t want to be involved but if I had cut her out of my life before she killed herself I probably would of felt bad, or that I contributed to that. I don’t feel like a victim, I feel like I was put in an awkward situation in which no matter what I did it someone wasn’t going to be happy. I can understand where these guys come from its hard to say no when you’re already inside someone… Its like her get off me!

    • What does your comments regarding WOMEN have to do with an article about the abuse of MEN?? Get off your soapbox, this is not about victimization of females…this is about how many men suffer and are unheard or heard then shamed for it. How rude is it to turn this into a goddamn sexual equality rant!

    • Legally, this is rape. Point-blank, period. No clear consent = rape.Philosophically and morally might be a different story, though. Does she “go along with it” (perhaps out of fear or self-preservation) or does she become an active participant (which by the letter of the law establishes consent)?

  • Dear ms. Kulze, you say in your piece “A recent study of sexual violence found that women by age 18 were almost equally as likely as men to commit sexual abuse (at 48 percent and 52 percent, respectively).” Could you give me the source of this study? I’d like to read it.

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    • That’s not directly shown, but it’s a fairly-drawn conclusion based off one of the studies she did link (http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/features/men-13-3-243.pdf).The actual data is that 51.2% of males under age 25 reported some sexual assault. Of those, 95% reported a female attacker.Studies like this, with a sample size in the low hundreds are good, but not great. Thanks to statistics, we can say with 90% certainty that it’s close at least, with a range of I think 46-58%, and 99% certainty it’s in the range of 40-64% of males under 25.But assuming the 51.2% is accurate, we can then say that 48% of males experienced sexual assault or rape BY a female.Meanwhile, similarly run studies (with similar levels of certainty) show 52% of females experienced a sexual assault or rape by a male.Again though… this data is… not entirely perfect. The methodology is good, but the sample sizes in either gender group’s study are usually pretty small, and can only provide ranges in the +/- 10% range with a certaintly level *I* feel comfortable with……and based off the way some of the questions are set up, the numbers are a bit inflated for both genders, by setting the bar unusually low:(for example, the CDC’s 1-in-5 women was based off this exact question: “Have you ever engaged in sexual intercourse while intoxicated?”… not while heavily or seriously intoxicated/impaired… according to that study’s standards, a romantic dinner with a bottle of wine leads to rape, so… yeah. Meanwhile, the numbers from the male study are broken down above, and some of them strike me as questionable and minor, but even if you limit it to ONLY rape, the numbers are still in the 20-30% range)Meanwhile, the best study I’ve yet seen, from the DOJ, asks simply enough about any ‘unwanted sexual acts’ performed on or against you in the last 6 months. As of 2012, 38% of the resulting pool of rape victims were male.That means 2 male rape victims for every 3 female rape victims in the US… and I can count on one hand the number of men’s shelters in the country… Putting everything else aside (like lower conviction % for women, and much shorter sentences even when found guilty, etc etc) the lack of support seems… under-representative to me.2012 DOJ summary is available, but not the raw data… the 2008 raw data is linked here (shows rape/sexual assault victims ~20% male, rape/attempted rape victims ~40% male):http://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/cvus0801.pdf

  • It happened to me.  She pinned me on my back on a couch with my legs over the edge.  She got on top of me so I would have no choice and she put me into her and then spit on it for some strange reason.  Then she started up and down and I got hard from the physical contact.  Her kids (teenage) were up one flight of steps from where we were and I was scared they would come into the room.  She acted like a was just an object and not even alive. I finally was able to get out from under her and I got dressed and got the hell out of there fast.  I NEVER talked to her again after that.  Never saw her either.  Made sure of it.  She did not hurt me physically but the force used, etc. made me feel like less than 2 cents.  It is hard to decribe how worthless it made me feel.  I knew how women who are raped felt.  I just felt like garbage, worthless, junk, nothing.  When I think about it I feel like that all over again.  I don’t like it and I am somewhat afraid to have sex with women now.  This was several years ago too.  I don’t like even thinking about it, let alone writing or talking, but writing is possible, sort of. I did not come in this woman.  That did not happen.  It was really just awful and she was pissed too.  She wanted to make me cum so she could act like I liked it.  One other time we were at some people’s house and she took me in the dining room and wanted to play around.  Before I knew what happened my pants were around my ankles and she was sucking on my dick.  She said she wanted to “go down on me”. and she did.  I was embarrassed standing there naked and she had all her clothes on.  She wanted me to feel like that.  I felt like worthless garbage that time too.  What guy is standing in someones dining room with his pants around his ankles and the woman fully dressed.  Terrible. That was a few days before the bad one which was the absolute end of it all.

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    • The tough part is… there are no support structures. Women have them in spades, if they only reach out and ask for them… and that’s not easy, don’t get me wrong… but at least they have them.I’ve recently decided… if I actually care about that, I need to step forward and start providing that support myself, or I’m as much a part of the problem as the college roomate who tried to give me a high-five when I told him.So… thanks for sharing.

    • Dude, for a guy, your clothes come off pretty easily without you knowing it, I’m just saying.  She must be one heck of a strong woman to overpower you AND take off all of your clothes and/or pull your pants down so fast that you couldn’t tell what was about to happen (referring to the incident where you two were together AGAIN, AFTER you said you never saw her after the first incident).If you are making this story up, you should be ashamed because I’m sure there are REAL victims out there. 

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      • What part of “That was a few days before the bad one which was the absolute end of it all.” at the end, do you not understand??? What you are failing to comprehend is the immobilizing, paralyzing Disbelief of what is happening. If it has never happened to you then count yourself lucky! A sensitive man will allow a woman to “impose” herself upon him because he cares for her or does not want to hurt her. Further due to the “being in the spotlight society of today cannot imagine throwing off someone who is a female wanting sex.. it is just counter manly and then there is reputation (in college it is everything), disbelief because we are taught that men always want it and we generally do but with the women of our dreams. Not until it happens to you do you realize the power available to the aggressor. And if you have ever had a woman try shit with you and you do reject her and she yells rape or anything derogatory you will not be allowed one word in your defense while the “angry fuckers” pound the shit out of you and then because they have actually done something wrong will not grant the possibility that you are telling the truth and that a woman is lying. In a public situation (children upstairs, people in the next room, in a dorm room, any place where others are easily accessible is a power place for women in every regard. And whether or t0 your aware of it I guarantee you that you are “regulated” and manipulated by it. On the flip side, once it happens to you as the person above so well states, you live in fear of it and your auto defenses can be triggered all too easily. For instance, due to the “Rape” stigma just because I am a man, I do not “express” any attraction or “desire” towards any women except those that gently ever so “with respect” show “interest” in “me” the “person”, will I respond and show my interest. No matter how hot or how much I desired them before from afar and slowly getting up the nerve to show a little interest, the moment they treat me as a penis… I’m gone.. gone emotionally, physically and “run like hell”. I was nick named “the great Houdini” in college because I managed to “escape” drunk women trying to “trap” me into an encounter. I stopped going to parties and bars and dislike most sports today because of the “beer” mentality. What sucks so badly is that I can really like and desire a woman but in a split second she pushes a button and it is fight or flight and Houdini gets busy. Which means in this day and age where woman have no teaching from a “wise” woman about how fragile emotionally men really are and how to “entice” them and guide them and care for them as was passed down for generations, women think of men as tools. Tools if he is good with his hands, tools to a better life, tools to get them what they want and of course tools of pleasure… read the millions of profiles of American women.. they all say in one way or other, ” a man tat can make me happy, make me laugh, is financially secure, will take me traveling, take me to dinner, drive a nice car, buy me flowers, do romantic things, send me cards, on and on and on… me me me…. In contrast Asian and some other sites profiles state how they are good cooks, keep a clean and tidy home, look forward to making breakfast for him in the morning, holding hands, kissing, talking and intimacy, they say the cooking is the best way to a man’s Heart not his dick and over the years I have observed that the American me me theme is becoming more prevalent in foreign sites as well. Had a girl once who I was very interested in for over three years… finally the situation was right and we were in bed and what I thought was “making love” (a physical expression of an emotional feeling about the person)… and at some point she said “fuck me baby, fuck me”….. Bam, it was all over for me, done, three years of dedication and desire shattered in one second. Never saw her again and it took three years to date again. Then there are those that are not intimate at all which causes all sorts of problems as well… you feel like a used tampon. Stick me in, use me up and toss in the toilet when done. And And if you are not “aggressive” the girl you’re in love with or desire emotionally and physically will soon be with some silver tongued devil who tool a course on pushing women’s “unconscious sex button” and you will have to stand by and watch as she gets abused emotionally and physically… but will defend him as you try to be a real friend. Why is rape the number one fantasy of women? Why are they always looking for a good man but will have sex with the “bad boy”?? In the end every one of the rapists, criminals, con artists, silver tongued devils, “horny bitches” imposing sex power, control, dominance, manipulation etc. all had Mothers!!!!!!!!! Why are women not being mothers and teaching, sharing, caring, and training etc. their children? Is that not the duty of the parents? I say Mothers only because they have by law the power to determine what they are going to do with their bodies and a child growing within (and if you have ever wanted a child or were more than willing t care for a child with or without the mother and she aborts your child, that is enough to make you cry too… another rape of men so far as I’m concerned) .. and why are advertisers making men out to be stupid, dumb, aggressive, mean, cruel, scary, helpless, worthless, unneeded, unnecessary, worth only what they can spend (see the show of the “prince” looking for a wife and how horrified and angry the women are when they find out he is not a prince) and how they will fight physically pull each other hair for their prize… Had it happen to me. Two girls both of which I would have been interested in (at least by sight) began literally fighting “over” me, which I knew because they said things “he is mine, I saw him first”, “he wasn’t talking to you so he is mine”, “Well we will see who’s bed he is going to be in tonight” etc. and I was the only other one in the place. Normally one would be flattered at anyone never the less two “hot looking” girls being interested in him, but when they literally were punching and pulling hair and rolling on the floor as if I am a piece of meat and it is a guarantee that whoever wins the fight is going to have me tonight… well that did it for me. I know, I know most guys would be jelous and call me an idiot and I kicked myself in the ass for weeks when I was “horny and alone” but in the end I would do the same because ultimately I am not a piece of meat and do not give myself to anyone who has such little regard for my person and only wants my dick. I am so glad to find that I am not the only man out there that feels this way!! Thank you guys for sharing!!! American Women/mothers had better wake up or all the “good men” will be gone to other countries and in the arms of other women who care for the whole man, and will lose all of their possessions as well as relationships. I am becoming more convinced that the “great harlot” in Revelations is in fact America and not Rome… though it could be both… Wake up America lest you wake up “homeless and destitute upon the land their forefathers conquered”. Blessings=may your desires be fulfilled

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    • I’m so sorry to hear that something like this happened to you! I wish you the best in your recovery. Males and females need to come together and spread the knowledge  to end the rape culture mentality. Nobody is entileted to our bodies. I hope you can find peace in your journey.

  • Interesting and moving account but I have one big question – why when he awoke to discover the position she had himin did he not chuck her off and tell her ‘where to go’?  He wasn’t being threatened with violence and could have told his friends to watch out for the ‘nympho’…something doesn’t add up.

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    • Often, women will not stop their rapist in the act, either. Usually out of fear, shame, or a million other reasons. Silence is not consent. Whether intended or not, your comment is victim-blaming at its core. 

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      • Amen! Couldn’t have said it better myself.

      • Having been in this place myself, I honestly don’t know why I didn’t stop her. I’m 6′ 3″ and take no crap from any guy. I was drunk at the time and there were other people in the room trying to sleep too. I joked about it afterwards calling it rape and stuff. When I was reading this it brought it all back. I was young and didn’t think at the time that guys were supposed to “not want” sex with girls, if you know what I mean. But it was like the description in the article. Stunned and confused as to what to do about it.

    • When a man has unwanted sex with a female, it’s automatically seen as terribly wrong and a women knows this, when a man wakes to find he’s being molested by a women, he’s confused, then he’s in college, so he’ll be gay if he doesn’t want sex with a willing female and worse, he denys her and she then tells everybody he was trying to rape her, who are they gonna believe? Her, it’s a naturally sexism sociity we live in, bred to believe it’s agasint females when really it’s men who have the bum deal.

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      • That’s where your wrong.  Misogyny is VERY real, and males DO have privilege in more areas than females.  The problem is, the very strict sex-based societal roles we’ve been raised in, hurt both women AND men.  Until we recognize that all of this nonsense is making life worse for EVERYONE, and work to fix it, it’s going to keep on happening.  This is not about men versus women.  Everyone’s suffering in this system.

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      • He didn’t say misogyny isn’t real. And he didn’t say anything about priviledge either.

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      • You are right.  They always turn it into that, don’t they?

      • Good point.  I have been the victim of some really dreadful men.  I have seen the “special” characteristics of abusive women, too.  And I have been victimized by them too.  But I refuse to become a mysoandrist, let alone a mysogynist.

      • >males DO have privilege in more areas than females. No, they really don’t. I believe that women face discrimination in respect to catcalls in the street, but other aspects (like the wage gap) have been thoroughly debunked.When we look at the list of female privileges/male discrimination, it’s shocking: from prison and education, through to suicide rates, domestic violence and sexual assault.I used to be the same as you, but I gradually came to realise that I was doing to men what I was accusing them of doing to women. In the West, men have it much, much worse.

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      • I… would say not. I’d say we’re at a tipping point between the two.Right here, right now… men and women are at least CLOSE to being on par, ON THE WHOLE. In any given specific arena, one or the other may clearly have it worse… but on the whole, we’re pretty close.Problem is, women have momentum in addressing their remaining disadvantages.Men are just getting started… and if we don’t… well then, in a decade, you WILL be right.

      • I just generally dislike the term privilege. It’s divisive, inconsistent, and incomplete. If we want to talk about disadvantages in the broadest scope- that, I’ll allow.But it applies to all. The First Noble Truth is this: suffering is universal. If you believe someone has life easier than you, it is because you do not see their hardship.Admittedly, in light of your hardship, and the ways it has shaped you, theirs may not seem so bad… but to them, it may be.And disadvantages take many forms- for example, the responsibilities one gender faces that the other does not… or complete lack of support for victims of a specific gender after a crime that is far bigger than gender.You’re right. Mysogyny is real. So is mysandry. I never once in my life suffered at the hands of men… rather, my female babysitter (and her single mother, who along with mine, decided it wasn’t worth ruining HER life to get her in trouble for what she did to ME)… and again in college when a female friend-of-a-friend decided to inject herself into my and my girlfriend’s bed with the help of a few lies to her and something slipped in my drink (unless beer normally gives partial paralysis and an 8-hour erection)… and the university (which until a decade prior was all-girl, and still had a student and faculty 4:1 f:m ratio) who thought my claim was a literal joke, and offered literally NO support while they bent over backwards to offer female-only self-defense courses and recovery groups for female victims.If anyone’s earned some mysogyny, it’s me… but I realize that we ALL struggle. Those who hurt me did not due it out of malice, but out of selfishness or ignorance… out of the lies they had been told over and over again, until they told themselves, and believed. Those are what needs to stop… because we’re all in this together, and nothing else will work. Unbiased problems need unbiased truth and unbiased responses.You’re right. Everyone’s suffering. The way to address that is to stop being biased in the way we respond to issues like rape, domestic violence, equal rights, equal responsibility, etc.

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      • Agh! Formatting fail, again. Sorry for the wall-of-text.

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  • And yet the President and his blue pilled friends implied that men are the sole perpetrators of rape. 

  • In the 1980′s there was a female rape gang operating in Adelaide Aust. The cops knew about it and it was published in the paper.Three big women would wait hidden in Parkland while a prettier girl would target a goodlooking guy in the city nearby(none were large build). She leads him into the Park where he is grabbed and here’s how it was done.Forced down onto his back two of the women would hold a knife to his throat from either side while each took turns on him.

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    • A man feels helpless if you take off his clothes and he is naked and pinned on his back.  I don’t know why but this is the feeling that it usually creates.  Makes it easy to abuse and take advantage of the man, even if he is fairly strong.  These two women knew that.

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      • Having read the article, it occurrs to me that their have been times in my 64 years that I can remember being coerced into sex to suffocate a woman’s demands and to protect my own male ego. Women know how to conuvulate the male and are more willing than one might expect,or than they themselves realize to sexually abuse a male due to lack of consequenses, responsibility.  After all, a woman can’t be charged for a crime that really does’nt exist. 

  • This made me really sad.

  • For the record: the one-in-six men statistic is derived by the same standards as the one-in-five women statistic.Other recent studies have determined at least 38% of rapes in America are committed by women against men (again, prison rape isn’t accounted for, mostly because it’s impossible to track accurately).And Domestic Violence is slightly skewed against men too (out of dozens of surveys and thousands of households, ~21% report DV… 13% report male-on-female DV, 18% report female-on-male, with some overlap of mutual DV). Even if you’re of the opinion that Domestic Violence is ok as long as no one ends up seriously hurt, 40% of DV hospitalizations are due to female-on-male… but last I checked, the number of DV-shelters for men is pitifully small (single-digit small).I’m not saying men have it worse than women, or vice versa.I’m not saying anyone has it better, either.I’m saying that BOTH have it bad, because the problem is bigger than gender.And our response needs to be bigger than gender.End of story.

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    • Eugh… sorry for wall of text… does this site not allow formatting?

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      • Sexual arousal is not a form of consent. Sometimes, I think we forget that fact.

    • I agree I don’t believe it’s anywhere near 1 in 6 men just like it’s not 1 in 5 women. Everybody has had unwanted attention, but is that rape? No. Hell they had the same attention from somebody they found good looking, they’d not mind.

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    • It appears Bouldher’s reply got eaten, but in case they’re watching… your response is a good one, but entirely inapplicable.The number I got came from somewhere else entirely, although it is SOMEWHAT subject to the same bootstrapping problem.Your data is a response to extrapolation on the CDC data, which was badly flawed in SOOO many ways to begin with… extrapolating on it only compounds those flaws.For anyone else reading, someone took the CDC’s data on ‘made-to-penetrate’ and on rape, combined those data sources outside the scope of that survey, and made a guess about their attackers based off that overall data. This guess is somewhat fair (after all, the majority of made-to-penetrate attackers would intuitively be women). Suffice to say, there was a math error that screwed the pooch.No- my data comes from the DOJ’s crime victimization survey, which asked a far more simple question: “Have you in the last 6 months been forced or coerced into unwanted sexual acts?”These neatly ties a bow on a few problems: one, there’s no distinguishing between rape and made-to-penetrate… two, it clears up any faulty preconceptions male victims might have about their own experiences- even if they don’t think of it as rape, they’d presumably know if it was wanted or unwanted.Of the respondents who answered yes (and as such, were classified as rape victims), 38-40% were male.It’s worth mentioning now that this study was performed in 2012 with 40,000 respondents and in 2010 with 160,000. The sample sizes are unassailable, and the questionaire is pretty bloody solid. (both phrasing, and timing of question. it turns out, men are more likely to start mis-remembering bad experiences as neutral or even good after several months than women are… so ‘last 6 months’ was a good limit for the data pool.)Now. Other studies have meanwhile shown consistently that around 95% of male sexual-assault-survivors had female attackers. THIS is where I got my estimate (which would be, to be fair, 36-38% of attackers are female). Bootstrapping one study’s findings onto another is… sketchy at best, but I’ve done my homework, and feel that as long as I make the disclaimer that “your mileage may vary”, I’m not too far out of line here.More importantly… in the few years since we’ve started performing studies on male-victims of sexual assault or domestic violence (or better, studies that include victims of both genders under universal, gender-neutral definitions of SA and DV), the numbers of male victims have been climbing slowly but surely… while data on female victims going back 20 years shows a steady decline.We can quibble over a couple percentage points if you like, but given a couple years following the current trend, it WILL be at the tipping point.I’d rather it not get there.I’d rather we start treating rape, sexual assault, and domestic violence as the gender-neutral issues they are.Because there’s no excuse for telling 38% of your rape victims, and 54-58% of your DV victims that there is no support for them… or worse, that they don’t deserve any support. (DV data consistently shows that roughly 20-21% of relationships have DV, 10-11% mutual… of the remaining 10%, 6% is female-on-male DV, 4% male-on-female. Now, assuming you only care about DV that results in an injury, 60% of DV-hospitalizations are female, and 40% are male… but I can count on one hand the number of male DV shelters in the US, and most police departments have made it standard policy to arrest the male, or alternately larger partner, regardless of who called it in.)The crimes are tragic, but non-biased regarding gender. Our responses are hugely biased, and to no one’s benefit, male or female (besides men having no support, women are being taught that they are victims and men can’t be… which is just… unhealthy).

  • Come on, this is stupid.  One in six men raped?  Quit the lies and victim-group mongering.  You should be ashamed of this article folks.

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    • The one-in-six men statistic was derived by the same standards and questionaires that were used to derive the one-in-five women statistic.Debunking one debunks the other. You pick.

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      • “Debunking one debunks the other. You pick.”So you’re fine if he wants to hurt men, just as long as women are hurt at the same time? I swear, everyone, please stop thinking of these statistics like they somehow balance each other out.

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      • (And he’ll take you up on that offer to “debunk” both, I’m pretty sure: think about the insult “victim-group” and what kind of thinking it comes out of.)

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      • You’re possibly right about that… and even if he debunks them legitimately, it will likely not be for the right reason… but we’ll see.

      • Aredthorn’s point is that Joe Smith has no ground to call out the statistic as bogus without also calling the statistic on female abuse as bogus as well, because they were gathered via the same technique. This wouldn’t be due to some desire to “hurt women” as well, but due to LOGIC.

      • Carinsh, no what he means either you eat the apple or keep it. Either both are true or they are not.This is not about balance. It is about showing that this problem goes beyond gender that we are equall. That this is not a gender issue but is beyond that.

  • Do any of you readers want to buy a bridge?

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  • There are some real consequences to this. 1) If the male impregnates the female, now he’s on the hook for possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars over the next 18 years. Courts don’t care how a male impregnated a female, if the DNA matches, it’s his responsibility, period. 2) If the female is underage, will the courts care at all that the male didn’t consent? Unlikely, he’ll be charged with statutory rape.

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    • There are cases of this. Mainly cases where older women have sex with minors. When the boys got older they were forced to pay child support to the women who took advantage of them when they were kids. Dispite the fact that the act that concieved the child was rape under legal definition the victim was still forced to pay child support.

    • Ironic too that often women aren’t considered rape victims if they didn’t fight back (claw marks, bruises, blood – give us something!) But at the same time, if a man were to fight back physically, in all likelihood it would go WORSE for him. It would strain credulity to believe him in a he-said/she-said scenario. So all the while these men are being raped, they can’t use their only power to stop it.

  • Good article.  Also remember how, if current prison rape statistics were included, there would be more recorded male victims of rape, than female in the US, even without including “made to penetrate” cases.  At least some effort to acknowledge prison rape has been made in the US, that’s more than can be said for the UK.

  • I would like to say that I am one of those who just never realized until fairly recently that this is an actual rape situation. Whenever I would hear about these cases in the news, I would automatically doubt the guy, but now I would like to apologize to all men who have been raped, for being one of the doubting crowd. Rape is a crime, no matter the gender of the offender.

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    • I’m not trying to make excuses for failing to believe men. I know rape and abuse impact both genders even if there is asymmetry in the physical violence employed in domestic violence. However I think much of this disbelief is due to continued misperceptions of biology, rape being a crime of strength pitted against strength and the notion of stranger rape.  Far more often coercion, black mail, fear, and intoxicants are the weapons of the rapist. This is true regardless of who is on the recieving end.  It is really critical that men start speaking out and that they, like anyone, be believed. Take someone at their word until something disproves it otherwise.  This is an important discussion.  

  • Why can’t some decent looking girl rape me??? This article makes me depressed… 

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    • It’s not rape if you like it…you must be one of those “grow some balls” men.

    • Seriously. I’m on a dry spell and wouldn’t mind waking up to it. lol (Don’t mean to be insensitive to anyone who has had this happen and it affects you.) It’s just my opinion and the truth, since it’s been a while for me. Currently, unless she had an STD or a weapon, I think I’d thank her lol.

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      • Especially if you have to support a kid due to it.

      • If you don’t want to be insensitive then don’t say insensitive things.

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      • This kind of thing never happens with a girl you’d want it to happen to you with. Kind of by definition.There’s always some fear involved… you mention STDs or weapons, but what about children… or threats of violence, or threats of claiming you raped her, or…

  • For some of the comments here– it is not nice to belittle other people’s pain just because it is inconvenient for your worldview.  Being exploited or violated in any way, regardless of severity, is involuntarily painful for people of both genders.  Men showing up here to to say “I’m a man and I think these ‘raped’ men are silly wimps” is about as valid as women showing up on feminist theads to say they think feminists are man hating brutes. Claims are not substantiated or not by the demographics of the people who believe them or disbelieve them.  Telling people you have a lack of empathy is probably not a good argument for anything.

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    • It’s not that they’re wimps or lesser beings. These guys are just expressing their opinions, albeit in maybe a somewhat crude manner. But, the reality is, for a lot of guys, this wouldn’t be the type of thing that would ruin our lives. I mean we all have hooked up with someone we regret, and while I know in that situation it’s different because you choose to do so (With the help of alcohol lol), some of us, based on our personal experiences, don’t see this as much more of a violation then just a “WTF are you doing” moment, let alone rape. It’s completely ok if others do see it that way, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling that way. I guess my point is everyone is different and sees this differently. I would never judge anyone because they felt that way, I just feel differently. I always joke with my friend when I hear on the news about a teacher, usually pretty hot, sometimes a former nfl cheerleader (I don’t know why so many are lol), who has sex or propostions a 15-16 year old kid and he tells his mom or his mom finds out and cops get involved. Not that it’s wrong to do that, I just feel like at that age I was more than able to decide If I wanted to. It’s almost every kids fantasy. Where were those teachers when I was in high school? (Most of this is me being light-hearted mixed with my honest opinions. Please don’t take any offense, since none is intended, nor am I trying to take away anything from those who do feel violated). 

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      • Also, I’ve been around women who get really jumpy of agitated when they’re are around men. I feel like they think I or another guy will rape them at anytime. I always thing to myself “calm down, no one is trying to do anything.” Hell, If I even saw something like that happening, I would make sure to stop it. I’m very protective of women. Probably, because I have sisters. Maybe, some guys are like that too. 

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      • Most guys are.  Most violence is commited against men, however we care more about violence against women, hence the political climate and VAWA and such.

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      • What evidence do you have of that?

      • DO you think it would ruin your life if you had to support a baby up tp 18+ years due to being raped?

      • Shawn, I’ve taken the trouble to run the demographics on many of these cases. The vast majority involve white women, working in “majority-minority” districts or schools. In other words, the girls have probably been doing a lot of crotch-watching, indulging their fetish for BBC. Jungle fever’s making them crazy.

  • It is only rape if it is a fat chick, and only if your friends find out. 

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    • I agree totally. Especially if she sits on your face. 

    • Gee, no wonder majority of men are unintelligent. Zero self-respect. Pathetic.

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      • Way to generalize. That’s always a good move in logical arguments. (Part to whole flaw, if you didn’t catch the sarcasim. :)

      • Humour – did you have your sense of it removed at birth?

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    • Even then many guys would just make fun of him for laying with a fat chick, and care nothing about consent.

  • The sad part is that the women perps may truly not realize they are “raping” but are actually playing out a bs idea, perpetuated by the media, that men are horny all the time and indiscriminate.  Its not true, but the messages are everywhere. it is the flip side of rape culture. We need to simply understand that no means no and power games are only ok with a safety word and a consenting partner. Sex should never be used to extort,  intimidate, hurt or disempower anyone. Period. 

  • All these anti-men and anti-women comments disguest me. You people should be hating the indviduls who rape and blaming it on those indviduals responsible for their crimes, not entire genders. There’s victims from both genders. Stop saying all men and all women are evil and realize it’s certain indviduals.

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    • I agree. It’s troubling.  End the gender war.

    • Men and women can both do bad things.  The problem is the disconnect in how the culutre and law reacts to offenders of these crimes based on the gender of the perp and the victim.

  • Of course men can be raped by woman. Erections happen whether men want it to happen or not, also keep drugs like Viagra could be force fed to men who spare raped. Whatever the case, woman rapists deserve to be punished just as much as men who rape.

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    • Really? They happen even if you don’t want them to? A couple of times when I really liked a girl, she was hot, or it had been a while since the last time, I really wanted to, but it wouldn’t co-operate cause of nerves. And I mean I really wanted to lol

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      • Especially, if it was the first time with a new girl. Just twice, but sucks. 

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      • You may need a urologist pal.  Good luck.

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      • There have been rape cases where guys in a coma have been raped, so yes it can happen.  He may not remember but if he wakes up he has to support any kids that result.

  • There are other forms of sexual evil women are capable of other than coital rape.

  • First off I will admit Guys!!! There are some really Weird/Crazy Women out there today. So be on your toes. Nothing new here with male rape by a female. What young male would not get hard while asleep with a little help while he is aslep? then have his balls emptied. Maybe he will wake up? maybe not!! who knows. All I can attest to my late wife was notorious about it. she never would take no for an answer and pulled that trick on me numerous times. But i did get even on one occasion.

  • Man, I’m really a sexist. I just don’t feel empathy for these “raped” guys. I’d gladly shoot a male rapist though. 

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    • Wow, that’s terrible. How do you justify your views? How is it ok for men to get raped but not women? Men obviously are having a difficult time getting help for these incidents, that means we should help them more, not less!

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      • By the way, I’m a male named Shannon. How do I justify my views? Well, I can’t. Perhaps I’m a product of locker-room culture? I just don’t feel the same empathy for a male as I do a female. As I stated, I feel that rape (and I think of rape, as an act of violence against a female or a child)is one of the most abhorrent of crimes. Maybe I feel the way I do is because I’m fairly large and never really met a female who could over power me. Look at the picture in the article, the one where the fairly slim and attractive young lady looks down at her victim of rape in a conquestrial manner. Come on now, pathetic. I reserve my empathy (and it runs quite deep)for victims of the fairer sex. Not to sound vulgar, but in the male-world it is somewhat common to hear some jerk bragging about “doing a fat-girl.” Us guys can be creeps — that’s no secret. I always felt bad for some girl who was probably hurt by this jerk-of-a-guy bragging to others. Well, long-winded, but that’s how I am. 

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      • See the problem with this kind of thinking is that if a guy rapes or abuses a girl it’s a terrible thing and an action that should be punished. But if a girl rapes or abuses a guy, 9 times out of 10 the men who do reach out will be shamed and/or ridiculed. Why is it any different coming from the other direction? A man is no less of a human than a woman. Why does a mans basic human rights seem to be different to that of a womans? This sort of stuff happens all the time and for the most part goes completely unnoticed. It’s a confusing, often distressing situation to go through and without proper support can do some really serious long term psychological damage. When will people realise that it’s not just men that can be monsters…?

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      • NICHOLAS…, are you dumb or just plain stupid? The obvious answer to your questions is – because man can beat the sh.it out of a woman if she even tries, even close to be violent with him/upon him, while woman can not beat the shi.t out of a man if he is agresive towards her. So, if a man tell me that he was raped by a woman…, well, I would LMAO, and send him strait to the gym ~_^

      • I can say that I have had girls forcefully initiate sex with me. Even on surprise from people I wouldn’t have expected, but I wouldn’t consider it rape…. can’t rape the willing. I think this is why female on male rape is rare. The only time I can really think it would be rape is if a really small gay dude was forced by a big woman to have sex…. But than again why does the gay guy have an erection if he didn’t on some level want it… But for me, I will never turn down a good time!

      • Fair enough. Thank you for discussing your views. I’m afraid I cannot agree with them, partially because I have had male friends (2 of them) in emotionally/ mentally abusive relationships and it was pretty horrible to watch. As far as I know they never felt physically inferior, they were just very worried about what she would do to herself or what she would tell others if my friends did not do what these girls wanted.

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      • Actually they are not my views, but a conditioning of sorts in the culture in which I was raised.  This culture is prevalent. If society is to evolve to a higher sense-of-morality, it takes understanding of the root-problem. Understanding comes forth from civil-discourse, such as we are having here. You mention emotional/mental abuse. Of that I am familiar — been through it, horrible, it’s indescribable. I’d rather break a leg then go through it again. It took a lot of introspective analysis with a therapist to move forward with positive mental-health. And here now, through this interaction, I believe I’ve grown a-bit yet more as a human-being enlightened.  

      • FEMinism killed this shamed dude

      • Out of curiosity, at what point do you loose your empathy for a male?  I mean, little boys get molested and “raped” by adult women–so does that mean its wrong before they turn 18, but once that are “legal” it is suddenly ok?? Or should that little boy “man-up” too?

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      • Ah, the age-old question, “When does a boy become a man?” Well, once a boy has chopped down a tall fir tree with an axe, has ridden a buffalo bareback, and flew a balloon solo across the Pacific; then I’m like, “hey that’s a real-man.” C’mon DIDAME, of course I feel empathy (outrage)at any child being molested by any sex. I’m reacting to the context of this article.

      • I too WAS a big and athlectic guy, and YES I was raped by 7 women cause I said no to one of them when we went out. While I was asleep, I awoke to a girl on top of me, when she finished another took her place over and over. The part before I awoke was while I was asleep, they had tied me to the 4 posts of the bed and 2 loops around my neck. Every time I would start to get soft, they would use oral stimulation and whatever else and get me aroused again, this went on for over 7 hours, then  they told me if I tried to reprt it, they threatened me that they would claim I raped them, afterall, my sperm was in them. But I did go to the police, they laughed at me and told me to get the hell out of the police station. I had rope burns on my arms and legs and neck and the cops said they did not want to hear about my wild sex life. I was then forceable removed from the police station. Apx 5 years after it happen and I was in a serious relationship, they came to me again and did it again, again and again, then they sent photos to my girlfriend and told her I was cheating on her, they had the ropes covered in the photos and doctored the photos to look like it was me cheating on her. That went one for over a year. She left me and I then turned to drinking, that was my only salvation, they tried again after I was drunk all the time but I guess with so much rum in me, I could not get hard no matter what they did. I drank a minimum of 2 fifths of rum a day for over 3 years and was a bad drunk, spent every cent I had, and I did have a lot of money at that point in my life and was living on the streets by then when an old bag lady helped me, she said she knew what those women did to me over and over again and took me into her  home in an abondoned apt building, she turned me around and helped me, I have not drank since. I still to this day can not get an erection no matter what. It has affected me mentally and physically. I still have no life, I just exsist and want to die so bad but I can not bring myself to ending my life, I have tried but for some reason, it does not work, I live thru it or my freaking shotgun jambed, I can not do anything right, damn I wish I could just lay down and die. Those women still appear in my life and I wish they would stop.

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      • Hey man, you should get rid of your shotgun and check into resources for therapy. Please do.

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      • Shannon, I think it’s cool that you’re taking an active and open approach to this coversation, and actually taking something away from it. Kudos.

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      • Thanks Shawn.

      • Yeah, he’s a sexist that’s nice to women and children because he thinks they’re weak and should be pitied.He doesn’t realize that no one is invulnerable and that anyone can be victimized…not because they are inherently weak, but because there will ALWAYS be some point that someone is vulnerable or have the odds stacked against them or someone will be bigger, badder, stronger to take advantage of them.Cool. Karma states that some guys will rape you in prison and people like you will not feel sorry for you and that if you have any integrity, you will not be sorry for you, either after it happens.

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      • If your refering to me; your way off. Did you just perform an amateur psycho-analysis, concerning me — going off what I’ve posted? If so, don’t pursue psychology as a career, but work if you would, on your blatant judgement of others.

      • I agree with you. I tend to define it as penetration. Sorry, if some views don’t mesh with everyone’s here. That’s how real life works. People have different opinions based on your experiences. Does that give you the right to judge us. Hell no. If you don’t want an open exchange of information and view points, you should write at the end of the article “Only comment if you share the opinion that this is rape and that it is exactly the same as man raping a woman.”

      • Surely you do at least know that male on male rape goes on a lot?  Doesn’t that disgust and terrify you?

      • I think you’re missing the point, I used to share the same opinion as you until someone pointed out to me that all a woman really has to do to get what she wants in this situation is to threaten to say that YOU raped HER. In that situation all the physical strength in the world will do you no good. If you fight back, it’s only going to help her case, noone is going to believe you, who would believe that a woman would rape a big strong guy? There’s evidence you had sex, and look, she has bruises and seems really upset. You monster, I hope you enjoy your prison time.

  • This is horrible! What is wrong with our society! No means no damnit!

  • I absolutely believe that these men have been raped. After all, what else do women do to the men in their lives other than try to violate and hurt them? When it comes to picking who is the evil gender, women will always win out. Men are better than women, in every way, and we always will be.

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    • Yes, of course – you make better serial killers, dictators, warmongering politicians – we can’t compete.

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      • You forgot they make better child molesters too

    • Hate the rapists, not the gender as a whole.

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    • “what else do women do to the men in their lives other than try to violate and hurt them?” wow. Yes, as a very general rule, women can be hateful and vindictive. But it’s a learned behavior for women, the same way it’s a learned behavior for men. A lot of little girls grow up these days with a mother who was made a victim or in a home of domestic violence. Men aren’t the only ones who can fall under the rule of “Well if this is what my parents do, it must be fine.” But men are no better than women, than women are better than men. As a woman, I’ve never once tried to “violate or hurt” any of the men who’ve come into my life. I have quite a few male friends who come out of abusive relationships and homes, and I’m the one they turn to when they need a shoulder. Who are you to claim the enirety of the female gender is evil and therefore a lesser human? If men were better than women, my father wouldn’t have been an abusive tyrant. He wouldn’t have beaten his naked teenage daughter for not cleaning her room properly, or spit on his son for going to a much needed therapist. I say all that, yet I still haven’t lost my faith in the male gender. I have a wonderful boyfriend, fantastic male friends, and it take quite a bit of work from a male to make me uncomfortable in a male’s presence. 

  • I knew a man whose roommate’s friend attacked him in his sleep. Like in the article, he woke up to her straddling him, only she had a knife to his throat saying she’d kill him if he didn’t make her climax. When it was over she told him she’d go to the police claiming he’d raped her if he ever told anyone.Later when the trauma caused him sexual issues with his wife, she left him claiming he had ‘turned gay’. 

  • Nice Headline pun

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    • F!@# you rape apologist. If that was told about a girl who has been raped, world war 3 would have be errupted with your feminazi friends.

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      • Woah, guy

  • How is this rape? a) he was hard (albeit this may be morning wood, wouldn’t it have softened again if he was really turned off?) b)he didn’t make even an attempt to stop her. It would be rather easy for him to push her off. c)he didn’t even SAY no, he pretended to be into it!! how in the seven hells is the girl supposed to know he is not into it, if he pretends that he is

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    • Are you serious? Consent isn’t lack of “no.” A sleeping person can’t consent. She was already having sex with him before he even woke up. That’s rape.If he were a woman, you wouldn’t have even asked. You don’t have to fight in order not to give consent.

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      • Yeah, but.. I’m confused, too.  Men ARE generally stronger than women.  If a woman awoke to a man on top of her, she fights (sans the presence of a knife or something).What stops a guy from awakening, finding some sleaze huffing and puffing on him, and shoving her to the floor?  Is the arousal so paralyzing he is incapable of removing the source of stimulation?MissNerdyPants has a point.  A scientific answer would be far better than a snarky splatter of spittle. 

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      • If a women gets drunk of her own choice and action (ie no one forced or encouraged her to get blackout drunk) and wakes up next to a guy the next morning she can report it as a rape. In fact there was a man at Oregon State University that got 6 years in prision for that exact situation. The women was a virgin and she only knew she had had sex because the man left a note saying he liked her and wanted to do it again.

      • +
      • The key here are all the times that the women forcing the men to have sex say “If you tell anyone about this, I’ll say you raped me.” If the man uses physical violence on her, it’s even more damning.

      • Ever heard of knives or drugs?

      • What stops him? 6 words.”I will say you raped me.”Women really hold all the power when it comes to sex and they abuse it. Physical strength is irrelevant, fighting back is just going to make it look even more like you were the aggressor. 

      • Actually, a lot of things. Like it was said earlier, the experience has a tendency to stop you from acting, due to the confusion of the moment. A man can’t just wake up and shove the girl off. All the sensations and the sudden confusion stopped me from acting when it happened to me.

      • We are talking here about nice guys, normally good natured. Their first instinct is not to hurt her feelings and resolve it nicely with her. Not to push off. Meanwhile it proiceeds. And only later after this is over the feeling of being used and violated takes over. Also men are afraid of being accused of a million things. This is usually going on within some social circle. They have common friends etc etc. This act by a woman violates all that is good and generous in this young man. It is emotional violation part of it that is most hurtful. As is with man-on-female rape.

    • Wow, how do you think you would react if you woke up to a man inside of you. Would you be scared? Would you scream or would you be afraid of him hurting you? Would you say no to something that was already happening?

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      • Technically if this happens outside of marriage, its rape. You shouldn’t have to fight or even say no especially if you’re bound and gagged. However, for stupid juries or judges, it would be best for you to at least indicate in some way that despite some possible way they got it twisted in their head that it was ok, that they need to stop now, that you’re not giving consent.

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      • It’s technically rape if it is inside a marriage too.

    • +
    • I wonder how many men you’ve accused of rape apology….

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      • “I wonder how many men you’ve accused of rape apology….”I wonder how many men she’s raped, if she’s so confident doing this isn’t rape.

    • a.)  I’ve had my penis touched during an argument, and while I didn’t want to have sex nor was I in the mood, it responded.b.)  Push her off, she screams, people come in, she starts crying and says he forced her.  Who’s going to be believed?c.)  First off, see A & B.  Not only has your right to consent already been taken, you have to worry about how the girl will react if you say no.  Someone crazy enough to see a sleeping dude and just decide to get on his penis could very well be a lunatic or a drama queen.  Add onto it all these internal fears that are flooding you for the first time.It would be super easy to punch the hell out of a girl who just starts riding you in your sleep, but after that moment.. she’s laying there, bleeding and crying.. you’re standing or sitting there, still rock hard.  A guy in that situation just cannot win, at all.

    • Oh, let me point out something. If she had wanted to, she could have twisted in a strange way and damaged his penis. No man wants that. Breaking the penis lis like breaking a bone…. that stuff’s painful.

    • Uh-oh! We’ve got a smart ass over here.Let’s say you have a penis my dear and you found a girl on top of you. If she twisted the wrong way, she’d break your penis, and that shit is painful, like a damned bone getting snapped in there.Also. Morning wood doesn’t go down until you pee. When you’re just waking up you’re nto in the fully aware state of mind to do anythign about that. Maybe you’re superhuman. Most men are not.

    • Do you think women are never wet when they get raped or climax?

    • How is this rape? a) he was hard (albeit this may be morning wood, wouldn’t it have softened again if he was really turned off?)

      A person’s autonomic physical responses are NOT an indication of desire. In studies they show a woman who witnesses a sexual act, or if her brain thinks sex might happen, her vagina “gets wet”. This is an autonomc physical response that was developed over years of evolution in order to protect her body from rape from other tribes. It is also that same response her body will have when she actually wants to have sex. So because her vagina gets wet, she was ok with being raped? That is essentially what you just said in your ignorance of male anatomy.

      b)he didn’t make even an attempt to stop her. It would be rather easy for him to push her off.

      WOW! First off, not everyone can wake up from sleep, see something happening, and instantly make rational decisions. But as to the “easy for him to push her off”, it CLEARLY shows how ignorant you are of current domestic violence laws. A good friend of mine was breaking up with a girl and trying to leave the house. She keep grabbing him, trying not to let him leave. She wrapped her hands around his waiste, and he grabbed her hands and pulled them off, eventually making it out the door. The cops come to his house later, charge him with assaulting her. She had told them she was knocked unconscious for 20 minutes, she feared for her life, he was beating the hell out of her. There was ZERO evidence, not a single mark on her body. If you are knocked unconscious, there is a 100% chance this certain chemical forms. She had absolutely none of it in her system. For simply an accusation he spent over a month in jail. THIS IS NOT RARE! This happens all the time, because of primary aggressor laws! And any chick that is willing to break into your place and rape you in your sleep, i might have laid there and shut my mouth to because the alternative is that I can do jail time just on a story she makes up.

      c)he didn’t even SAY no, he pretended to be into it!! how in the seven hells is the girl supposed to know he is not into it, if he pretends that he is

      The fact he didn’t say no, doesn’t mean he wanted it, and you clearly didn’t read the article, nor do you have empathy or understand for the position of men. He didn’t pretend to like it, he pretended to have an orgasm in an attempt to get her to stop, thinking if he did it she would finish and go away, without having to confront her.

    • are you daft?

    • I think it goes without saying, if the boy is sleeping, he doesn’t wanna have sex with you…end of story

    • I once had a woman crying and begging me to stop. However, she had erect nipples so I know I did nothing wrong and am free to force many women to have sex with me. I feel so liberated! Thank you for your comment!

    • Go back to the top of the page and read the article properly this time. That will answer all your questions and doubts. If it doesn’t, please repeat this process until the information penetrates your obviously thick skull.

  • It is truly sad that men who are victimized don’t get the same support as women do. Being forced to have sex against your will is disgusting regardless of who the aggressor is. As a youngster males are taught not to cry because it is a sign of weakness.  I teach my son that it is not ok for anyone to violate his body or personal space. Men have feelings too and when society can start to at accordingly, we will be in a much better place.

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    • “As a youngster males are taught not to cry because it is a sign of weakness.”While I don’t disagre with you that males are taught this at a young age, my problem with this assertion always being trouted out is the implicet assumption that this is the problem, rather than a symptom of the real problem… And that, as an assertion (crying s a sign of weaknes), that it is false. What never comes along with this adage is the questions of why crying is viewed as a sign of weakness, and why appearing weak is unacceptable for guys, but not women.The reality is, if a man cries, society lacks the compassion for men to do anything to support him (and this is an issue both sexes are guilty of), meaning there literally is nothing to be gained from crying beyond what it does for men personally (and what that does is rather subjective). But moreover, that same lack of compassion for men often manifests itself in using the event that caused that man’s pain being used to undermine him, his confidence or his ability to defend himself againt other accusations… meaning his expressing his pain (through anything except maybe anger), not only gains him nothing, but can actually be used to hurt him further… If you ask me, that kind of fits the definition of showing ones weakness (read vulnerability, like weak spot, not as in lack of strength). And if the adage is actually true, then presenting it as a falsity without actually acknowledging, let alone addressing the reasons it is true will only cause more harm than good.

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      • What the hell was that?!

  • 1in6.org has helped me. As I am a survivor of this from a close family member. I have had little support and help. I have been disowned by a whole part of my family. Pain is my life due to this. I am happy this story was posted. To others out there. Hang in there you are not alone.

  • Now this is how you handle talking about female-on-male rape. I will honestly confess that I personally haven’t taken it as seriously as I should in the past because of the way people use it not to help male victims, but to attack women and female victims. It appeals to common sense, really, that men are raped by women fairly frequently, but the way it’s taken advantage of, with the statistics wildly exaggerated, only serves to discredit an idea most people are pretty skeptical of in the first place. Hopefully the article will help clearer heads take this issue more seriously.

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    • I don’t think I’ve ever seen an article on male rape used as a way to blame female victims – or women, for that matter.In the part where articles try to explain why nobody seems to care about male rape, I’ve seen them cite famous incidents where prominent feminists have actively silenced the issue of male rape – is that what you mean?I hope you arent suggesting that attacking prominent feminists who silence talk about male rape is the same as attacking women and female victims. 

    • Not sure about frequently, but I would probably think that it could happen and that it wouldn’t be widely reported due to shame or being treated as if there was something wrong with the reporter (“victim”) and THAT seems to be an issue that occurs more often than not, especially since you’re reporting it to a profession that is more than 51% chance to be male (Police, ER doctor) or a woman who is part of the problem that upholds different standards for men/women, which for most things has no relevance to biology of chromosomal sex.Actually, its been shown that things like talking about emotions and feelings and being able to display them in a reasonable manner is actually more healthy in the long run and that the opposite is actually harmful and leads to acting out in violence and other harmful behavior that is marginally allowable by culture but not by law, strangely enough. If you want to argue that its not allowed by culture, then don’t look at movies, television, music, video games, sports, writing that includes “acceptable” violence by men that would be considered odd or unusual when done by women. Different/double standards are alive and well, but they shouldn’t be.

  • Interesting

  • RAINN.org is so often forgotten. This site is very helpful, and from the very first time I found it around a decade or more ago it touched on the topic of males getting raped. It is rape, it is NOT ok, and there are support systems out there. 

  • Really ?

  • Thank you for writting this. It happens far more than people know.

  • thank you for writing this piece. It was very helpful and moving. I want to help you guys raise awareness, and I’d love to get educated about what other ways I could help. Feel free to message me Elizabeth!

  • Yes, I absolutely agree this is rape. It’s just as much rape as a female school teacher hooking up with a little boy is child abuse. It’s shameful this happens. As women, we don’t want our bodies violated. Many women HAVE been violated. Why on earth would it be any different for men? They suffer the same consequences we do when they are violated. It’s a sad shame this happens, and what’s even sadder is that these men are so humiliated they won’t even talk about it. If we’re going to teach equal righs, then we should back that up with equal protections.  

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    • Both are bad but the consequences are different.  IF a man is raped and it results in a child, he has to support it.  IF a woman is raped she has a “choice” to prevent having a chid out of of the traumatic experience.  

  • Yes, men can be raped by women. Any sex act entered into without consent is rape, bottom line.

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    • Plain, simple, and yet feminists will fight against that definition with their male hatred.

  • Amusing misuse of ‘laid’ in paragraph one… 

  • Sooooo….  yeahhhhh…..

  • interesting

  • A recent study of sexual violence found that women by age 18 were almost
    equally as likely as men to commit sexual abuse (at 48 percent and 52
    percent, respectively). Which study is this? Would like to know it.

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    • Yes, study please. Also, thank you for writing this piece. 

  • Excellent article.  This just needs to keep being talked about. Any unwanted sexual advance is a deep personal violation for anyone despite their gender.  There have to be a few brave souls that lead the way in bringing this issue to light. As it comes to light there will be more empathy for the victims, until then the victims that are brave enough to talk about it will need to be surrounded by others that uphold them. Shame is a tactic for the abuser and ignorant.  So when  someone is using “shame” statements, at least they are identifying themselves.

  • Dear RY and FREEDUMB, you’re exactly the reason these men don’t want to talk about these instances. You two have probably never experienced a single traumatic event in your lives. If you had, you would show a little more respect.

  • you “men” are pinoccio in disguise. not only are you “not a real boy” you are also exaggerating and more than likely telling lies. you more than likely has the “encounter ” then realised you diddnt enjoy and are infact….a gay “man” LOL

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    • Obviously you are one of the people that need to be educated… Do you not see that rape can happen to anyone? Sex is not always enjoyable, especially in cases of abuse or when the victim is threatened. Many women who are raped also climax, but that does not mean that they wanted it. Our bodies have natural biological responses that we cannot control. Just like young men who experience erections while in school, public places, etc. This does not mean that they are sexually aroused- their bodies are taking control of everything regardless of what they want mentally. Please educate yourself before making wild accusations that just make you sound unintelligent. Thanks.Also, calling others gay does not solidify your own confidence in your sexuality. And being gay is not an insult.

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      • The sad part is that RY probably isn’t even ready for such a rational response.

    • SO if a woman does not enjoy being raped is she not a real woman and a lesbian?

  • hahahahahahaThis must be a joke!clearly these so called men have issues, something is not right in their head!How the fuck can you get raped by a girl 2 years younger than you and then let that scar you for life!?im confused… any fit birds feel like raping someone, i dont mind walking down your alley looking vulnerable… if you see me just do it! 

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    • my reply to RY applies to you as well by the way. Educate yourself.

    • Rape is rape. If a man does not consent, then it’s rape. Being taken advantage of will damage ANY human psyche. You wouldn’t know about that, though. You’re obviously not human. Pathetic.

    • +
    • Get raped and have to support a child, and tell me ow that doesn’t scar you.

  • Why didn’t she just flirt with him and touch his hand?  That’s usually all it takes if you are a decent looking female.

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    • Rape is about power.

  • Great article, as a female it never even crossed my mind men were dealing with this kind of abuse. Reading this certainly made me think about it. wow

  • wow who knew so many men went through stuff like that jeez….it scares me a bit

  • I don’t quite understand humanity anymore. So females can rape females, males can rape males, males can rape females, but female sexually assaulting a male is not rape? What??? 

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    • Technically, females raping females is also not possible, unless “tools” are used. Rape (in most places) requires the victim to be penetrated.

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      • Legally you are correct, unfortunately.

  • It is so one sided if a man and woman are both drunk and have sex the woman was taken advantage of. When I was 24 I was fed a massive among of alcohol and woke up with a naked girl in my bed I woke up and told her you have to leave right now I had no reccolection of sleeping with her and never would have under normal circumstances. She went around and told everyone that I slept with her and on return my girlfriend had no sympathy and broke up with me. I have gotten her back now and been with her for 3 years but only after I “admitted” that I cheated on her and appologized. To this day our relationship is troubled and she does not trust me. I did not think of it as rape until I read this article. That just shows how skewed the whole perception of rape is..

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    • Bro, I don’t want to be insensitive. But, you got too drunk. I know the sexes are supposed to be equal and everything is the same, Nothing is different. But, I just think that’s not entirely true. Women are more vulnerable than men. That’s just how it’s been forever. I’m not trying to be mean, this is just my opinion. It’s too bad that you had sex with someone you wouldn’t have had otherwise, but I don’t think there’s such a thing as delayed rape. It’s probably more hindsight bias, since you just read this article. And clearly you only care because it could have messed things up with your gf, glad it didn’t. As a man, I’ve grown up with the belief that you have to be careful with women, more so then women have to be with men. I always make sure I’m not dominating or coercive. When I was in my teen I’d alway ask “are you sure. do you like that” etc.. I dunno. Maybe things are changing, and gender roles are just blurring, and there won’t be differences or delineated roles anymore. Seems weird if there’s no such thing as gender or gender idenity in the future. 

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      • ^^^that’s just how it’s been forever does not make it right…

  • An excellent article, however; it would be helpful to include references to support stated ‘facts’ (i.e. …1 in 16…etc.).

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    • Hi Sharlot Pearl, 

      These were all taken from the CDC’s national survey, as mentioned in the beginning of the piece. Apologies if that wasn’t clear. Thank you for the comment!
  • A couple corrections for this otherwise excellent article:It’s closer to 1 in 6 for women.That included attempted rapes, which makes up a significant proportion of all the rates posted in thus article.Additionally, for the 12 month period, equal number of men and women were raped/made-to-penetrate.

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