Every gift sends a message, but that message isn’t always “I love and appreciate you.” Sometimes it’s more like “There’s something terribly wrong with you,” or “Go fuck yourself.” We scoured the Internet for terrible presents that say almost as much about the giver as they do the receiver. But mostly, if you happen to find any of these turds wrapped up under your tree this year, make no mistake: You have been insulted by someone who secretly hates you.
Bruce Willis for Men
Decoded: “I don’t respect you as a human being.”
From the manufacturer:
"The Perfume of Bruce Willis—a breath of immortality Smart Guys live forever—just like Bruce Willis. Straight down the line, masculine and unconventional. The fragrance of action heroes: strong sandalwood and spicy pepper mixed together with earthy vetiver and revitalising grapefruit. Bruce Willis’ first fragrance—now a legend."
LR Health & Beauty Systems
Perfect for that special someone with bad taste and even worse body odor. Bruce Willis is without a doubt the fourth or fifth coolest Bruce out there, right behind Wayne and miles ahead of Jenner. But what exactly does Bruce Willis smell like? The geniuses at LR Bruce Willis Parfum have hit the nail on the head. (Hint: It’s explosions):
There is a Bruce Willis for Women, too, “a fragrance so full of passion” it’s a “unique declaration of love.”
HAPIfork: The Wi-Fi Enabled Eating Utensil
Decoded: “You are a disgusting beast, and I wish I could duct tape your fat hog mouth closed.”
The HAPIfork is powered by something the company calls “Slow Control,” a proprietary technology that helps you monitor and track your eating habits and alerts you with “gentle vibrations when you are eating too fast.”
This Fucking Thing
Decoded: “Could you be any lazier or more irresponsible about where you fall asleep?”
Nothing quite says “I see you as a homeless person” quite like the wearable Polar Napsack Sleeping Bag. Urban Outfitters describes it as “a special kind of sleeping bag for a fun night in the woods—or on the couch! This innovative Napsack from the experts at Portland-based brand Poler allows for arm and leg movement! Feeling lazy? Walk around in your sleeping bag or fall asleep in front of the fire worry-free.” And when they say that, they definitely mean a trash-can fire under an overpass. Perfect accompanying gift: fingerless gloves.
Premium Membership in Nickleback Fan Club
Decoded: “I have the lowest possible opinion of you.”
The Nickelback Premium Fan Club membership comes with a lot of extra goodies, like custom dog tags and “pre-sale access to concert tickets before the public whenever Nickelback is on tour!” Plus, you’ll get full access to all parts of the website, including the “Community” area. There you can chat with other fans on the message boards, which are the perfect place to announce your upcoming suicide.
AussieBum Wonderjock Pro: Junk-Enhancing Briefs
Decoded: “You could really use a little padding down there. Wink. I wish I’d never married you.”
Using what AussieBum calls “4D Grid Framing Technology,” these briefs are designed to push up your junk, making it appear larger and more pronounced beneath clothing. There’s also something called “Free Swing Boost” that promises to make the experience more comfortable. Nothing for the shame though.
BACtrack Mobile iPhone Breathalyzer
Decoded: “You are an alcoholic and a chronic drunk driver, but I don’t care about you enough to do anything more about it than this.”
Furthering the reach of the “Internet of things,” this “revolutionary device” accurately gauges blood-alcohol levels, then connects to your iOS or Android smart device to give you an accurate countdown to sobriety. One of the features that sets this breathalyzer apart is the BACtrack app, which allows users to sync their blood-alcohol level to important events in their lives, which they call “drinking notes,” so basically Facebook.
Decoded: “You are a woman and like computers, therefore you’ll probably appreciate this stupid bullshit pendant.”
“Sophisticated. Elegant. Open Source,” reads the product description from Dynamism. “The iNecklace is a gorgeously machined aluminum pendant with a subtle pulsating LED. Perfect for the playa or with Prada. Made for women who celebrate art, science, engineering and great design.”
To be clear, this trinket doesn’t actually do anything, it’s not an activity tracker like the FitBit or some kind of USB memory gizmo. It does absolutely nothing.
Decoded: “You are so far gone that exercising and eating right are obviously out of the question. But here’s a hot sack for your crotch.”
Sauna Pants are perhaps the only product on the entire planet designed to make your genitals sweat more. Though they’re engineered to help “tone cellulite,” Sauna Pants also do double duty as the world’s hardest-to-clean diaper. Just set it and forget your self respect.
(BONUS: FOR MAGICIANS ONLY)
Nightmare: An Illusion by Justino Zoppe
Decoded: “You are not a very good magician and you should quit.”
Look, if you’re living in a world where spending $8,000 on an illusion as a gift is something you would even consider, you’re probably no stranger to mind games. If there’s one lesson to be learned from The Prestige, it’s that magic takes commitment. Giving another illusionist a new bit for their act is a major vote of no confidence. Using a store-bought illusion, even one from the likes of the great Justino Zoppe, is basically giving up. Nightmare, as a gift, is exactly that—the dreams of a budding sorcerer being crushed.