Gwyneth Paltrow received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in Los Angeles December 13, 2010. REUTERS/Phil McCarten (UNITED STATES - Tags: ENTERTAINMENT) - RTXVP59

Here Is Who You Are, According to Goop

This week in the land of Gwyneth, she recommends stuff based on your "profile." And shit, you are boring

Gwyneth Paltrow, curatrix behind the weekly newsletter Goop, is all-knowing in the world of pricey, hand-chosen goods. But when it comes to the English language, sometimes she needs a little help, which is why we defined some fancy items for sale on her site last week—things like “Sugarblue Marrakesh” (a pair of jeans) and “agate ita” (a fancy plate)—for the average buyer.

This week, she adds a new role to her current job as chief-lifestyle-blogger-content-curator: psychologist. Her latest newsletter, “We Profile You” (aka “L.A. Itineraries”), offers readers tips for exploring Los Angeles based on their distinct personalities (n.b. there are five options). It’s a brilliant combination of e-commerce offering, travel guide and Myers-Briggs.

Our takeaway from this Thursday’s Goop: Don’t even try to be two different people, or pretend you have alter egos, because Paltrow says you don’t. Rather, here’s who you can be, and what you can like, according to her latest highbrow choose-your-own-adventure:

1. A “Kid” Type
You like things that are “no-frills and excellent,” like a burger wrapped in paper, or a hotdog on a stick, or maybe even “soy baloney.” Given the opportunity, you would prefer to stay in a hotel with a good “pool scene,” preferably one near an American Girl store or a Dylan’s Candy Bar. You’re totally down for a “completely public” day trip to a local pool (but beware the plebs), or a trip to an indoor trampoline playpen—that’s your “kid crack.” Then again, activity is exhausting; you’d probably prefer a day trip to the Wi Spa. It “caters to kids.”

Does this look like your idea of fun? Then you must be a "kid."

2. A “Hipster” Type
When choosing a hotel, you ask only one question: Is there an Acne store “just across the street”? You dine anywhere that’s “dimly lit,” especially at restaurants that specialize in “puffy tacos” marketed on “chalkboard menus.” You hang out at “anachronistic” bookshops, and you’re always hunting down hidden gems like that one fancy toiletry case “emblazoned with line drawings of boobs.” On your days off, you and your friends do “treasure hunts” in your local Opening Ceremony.

Only "hipsters" like used books.

3. A “Classic” Type
Food-wise, you’re partial to the “most superlative” steakhouse, ideally the kind where there’s good people-watching, perhaps a “squishy banquette” or “latticed mirror,” where you can shamelessly say things like “the mashed potatoes are insane.” You spend your weekends at museums like the Getty, or at villas with ancient things inside them, or at botanical gardens with “some 5,000 species of cacti.” Your fashion sense is “spot-on,” especially when it comes to gift-giving; you’re the kind of person who will casually “duck in for a hostess gift,” and walk out with “impeccable stationary.” Just because you can.

Hunk o' meat: A "classic" type's favorite meal.

4. An “Art + Architecture” Type
You’re the kind of person who uses “chateau,” “Loire Valley” and “gothic” all in one sentence, the sort who enjoys “Singapore-chili jam,” but only if it’s “served in the form of a pop.” Your idea of fun is a day-long trip to the Eames house, where you’ll find the brothers’ signature furniture “in situ,” or wandering around a sculpture garden just for the fun of it. When it comes to getting dressed, it’s “avant garde” or bust. As for designing your home, even your “gardening shears” must be “made beautiful.”

But of course! The Chenonceau Castle on the Loire River. Something only an "art and architecture" type would appreciate.

5. A “Health-Conscious” Type
You’re “locally sourced,” just like your vegan cuisine, reciting mantras about your “leisurely Malibu hike” as if it’s your job. Come to think of it, you prefer to eat from places that more closely resemble “new age pharmacies” than veritable restaurants, especially the ones that are “wateringly fresh.” You could spend all day out on the water, or in a yoga studio (you enjoy “Vinny’s classes”). But most important of all, you crave adventure—at the farmer’s market.

Look at these "health-conscious" types enjoying themselves.
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