Vocativ’s Shame-Free Guide to Hookup Prep

Mar 19, 2014 at 4:51 PM ET

The Walk of Shame kit made the Internet rounds this week, kicking off a maelstrom of cheers and chides (depending on your POV). But on the off chance you didn’t get your eyeballs on this “problem-solver” for the random hookup-prone, said kit is essentially designed to make the post-date journey home—Stride of Pride, as we like to call it—a less harrowing and hungover experience.

Available for the low price of $34.99, the kit comes stocked with a day-appropriate dress, flip-flops, a backpack, sunglasses, a toothbrush with toothpaste already on it, baby wipes, note cards and a breast cancer awareness bracelet (because why not?). While it’s hard to deny that all those things would probably come in handy after a one-night stand, two questions immediately come to mind: Who is carrying all this shit around in a clutch or wristlet? With this albatross, girls might as well hold a sign that says, “Looking to Score.” And more importantly, why exactly does the overnight guest have to make all of the effort?

In our humble opinion, hookups and the day-after hike home would transpire much more smoothly if the resident (read: dudes, mostly) took the time to prepare. With that in mind, we present the Vocativ checklist for hassle-free hookups. Even better, it’s free.

1. Easily accessible water. We’re talking about a bottle on the nightstand, people. There’s nothing worse than waking up parched and naked in a stranger’s bed and having to feel your way around their apartment for a (clean) glass, and then filling it using the bathroom tap.

2. Internet connection. Nothing says “I am trustworthy” like giving someone the digits to your Wi-Fi. Especially if your bedroom is in a basement where it’s going to be impossible to get 3G.

3. A phone charger. Don’t forget to show your guest where to plug in a phone and keep it at a safe distance, in case of an emergency escape.

4. Condoms that you actually purchased. Listen, free condoms scream one of two things: I never get laid; or I go to a lot of clinics that have free rubbers. That’s not who you want to be.

5. Clean sheets and clean towels. Having them shows you’re a grownup.

6. Appropriate quantity of lubricant. A full bottle implies you’re not getting naughty frequently enough. An empty bottle implies you get naughty too much. You want the perfect, Goldilocks amount of lube.

7. Clean bathroom. Get rid of the hair. All of it. Then address the issue of the (presumably filthy) bathmat. For the love of all that is holy, if the thing has become a different color, get a new one.

8. Mouthwash. Having extra toothbrushes can be creepy, but mouthwash works for everyone.

9. Baby wipes. Like mouthwash, these are gender-neutral. Girls can use them to take off makeup (which is very useful, believe me) and guys can use them to freshen up those, um, hard-to-reach places.

10. Roommates. Tell your roommates that it’s at least a possibility you may be bringing home some lucky bedmate. There really is nothing quite like the shame of peeing in a stranger’s home and having a roommate walk in, not knowing who the hell you are or why you are on his or her toilet.

Bonus: It doesn’t hurt to map a coffee shop that is equidistant from your apartment and the subway (or nearest transit). It’s a gentle way of saying: Get the fuck out of my house.