Hobby Lobby, the Christian craft chain that believes the Lord likes papier-mâché, is making headlines this week. The Supreme Court began hearing oral arguments Tuesday in the case of Sebelius v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc., where the privately owned company—which sells everything to fulfill your wildest DIY dreams and has 602 stores across the country—is fighting the Obamacare law that would force it to provide free birth control for its more than 13,000 employees. Hobby Lobby is specifically opposed to emergency contraceptives, like Plan B and Ella, as well as the IUD.
The chain claims the provision goes against its religious beliefs, even though denying birth control benefits is a violation of the Affordable Care Act. (FYI, we don’t mean to nitpick, but have you ever seen an actual company walk into a church?) The company’s pro-life owners are under the bizarre impression that emergency contraceptives and IUDs “cause” abortion. (FYI Part II: According to the World Health Organization, these contraceptives “cannot interrupt an established pregnancy or harm a developing embryo.”)
The hashtag #hobbylobby has already been used more than 11,500 times, and there are multiple “knitted uterus” photos being shared. See what they did there? Crafts and women’s reproductive systems, coming together for the common cause of contraception.
Maybe the company should shift its focus to its own store shelves. After all, shopping at Hobby Lobby is a form of a birth control in itself. Need proof? We combed through the merchandise to find some of the most bizarre, unsexy and borderline-offensive items Hobby Lobby is currently shilling to women across the country every day (but Sunday, of course). Go nuts:
1. A lovely tin sign that reads, “Beware of Wife.” A clever wordplay on the more traditional “Beware of Dog” signs.
2. Your family is growing (no doubt because your birth control isn’t covered), so it’s time to learn to knit and crochet! For the low price of $15, you can purchase the life-changing book, Learn to Crochet Socks for the Family.
3. Hobby Lobby also sells clothing! Why not pick up a T-shirt emblazoned with a quote directly from God? The girls at Bible camp won’t be able to tear themselves away.
4.The first item in Hobby Lobby’s “Ladies Decorative Pieces and Decor” section is the Pink Pig Jewel Box. Nothing screams “sex kitten” (sex swine?) like a glazed ceramic pig filled, no doubt, with condoms.
5. Everyone knows lanyards are the epitome of sexy. There’s something so sensual about the way the thin polyester wraps around your neck—not to mention the convenience factor. It’s a necklace and purse all in one. Meow. Jesus freak? More like Jesus freaky.