Underminer Gift Guide Poster 01

Ho-Ho-Hum: The Underminer’s Gift Guide

Give the gift of passive aggression this season. Nothing says you're fat, lazy or worthless quite like a stocking stuffed with these gems. Below, presents that are almost as shitty to give as they are to receive...

Every gift sends a message, but that message isn’t always “I love and appreciate you.” Sometimes it’s more like “There’s something terribly wrong with you,” or “Go fuck yourself.” We scoured the Internet for terrible presents that say almost as much about the giver as they do the receiver. But mostly, if you happen to find any of these turds wrapped up under your tree this year, make no mistake: You have been insulted by someone who secretly hates you.

Bruce Willis for Men

Decoded: “I don’t respect you as a human being.”

Underminer Gift Guide Bruce Willis 03

$62.99 Australian dollars (about $56) on eBay

From the manufacturer:

"The Perfume of Bruce Willis—a breath of immortality Smart Guys live forever—just like Bruce Willis. Straight down the line, masculine and unconventional. The fragrance of action heroes: strong sandalwood and spicy pepper mixed together with earthy vetiver and revitalising grapefruit. Bruce Willis’ first fragrance—now a legend."

LR Health & Beauty Systems

Perfect for that special someone with bad taste and even worse body odor. Bruce Willis is without a doubt the fourth or fifth coolest Bruce out there, right behind Wayne and miles ahead of Jenner. But what exactly does Bruce Willis smell like? The geniuses at LR Bruce Willis Parfum have hit the nail on the head. (Hint: It’s explosions):

***SPOILER ALERT***
There is a Bruce Willis for Women, too, “a fragrance so full of passion” it’s a “unique declaration of love.”


HAPIfork: The Wi-Fi Enabled Eating Utensil

Decoded: “You are a disgusting beast, and I wish I could duct tape your fat hog mouth closed.”

Underminer Gift Guide HAPIfork

Just $99.99 at Brookstone

The HAPIfork is powered by something the company calls “Slow Control,” a proprietary technology that helps you monitor and track your eating habits and alerts you with “gentle vibrations when you are eating too fast.”


This Fucking Thing

Decoded: “Could you be any lazier or more irresponsible about where you fall asleep?”

Underminer Gift Guide Poler

$130 at Urban Outfitters

Nothing quite says “I see you as a homeless person” quite like the wearable Polar Napsack Sleeping Bag. Urban Outfitters describes it as “a special kind of sleeping bag for a fun night in the woods—or on the couch! This innovative Napsack from the experts at Portland-based brand Poler allows for arm and leg movement! Feeling lazy? Walk around in your sleeping bag or fall asleep in front of the fire worry-free.” And when they say that, they definitely mean a trash-can fire under an overpass. Perfect accompanying gift: fingerless gloves.


Premium Membership in Nickleback Fan Club

Decoded: “I have the lowest possible opinion of you.”

Underminer Gift Guide Nickleback

$80 direct from Nickleback

The Nickelback Premium Fan Club membership comes with a lot of extra goodies, like custom dog tags and “pre-sale access to concert tickets before the public whenever Nickelback is on tour!” Plus, you’ll get full access to all parts of the website, including the “Community” area. There you can chat with other fans on the message boards, which are the perfect place to announce your upcoming suicide.


AussieBum Wonderjock Pro: Junk-Enhancing Briefs

Decoded: “You could really use a little padding down there. Wink. I wish I’d never married you.”

Underminer Gift Guide Wonderjock

$15.41 from AussieBum

Using what AussieBum calls “4D Grid Framing Technology,” these briefs are designed to push up your junk, making it appear larger and more pronounced beneath clothing. There’s also something called “Free Swing Boost” that promises to make the experience more comfortable. Nothing for the shame though.


BACtrack Mobile iPhone Breathalyzer

Decoded: “You are an alcoholic and a chronic drunk driver, but I don’t care about you enough to do anything more about it than this.”

Underminer Gift Guide BACtrackMobile

$149.99 at Breathalyzer.net

Furthering the reach of the “Internet of things,” this “revolutionary device” accurately gauges blood-alcohol levels, then connects to your iOS or Android smart device to give you an accurate countdown to sobriety. One of the features that sets this breathalyzer apart is the BACtrack app, which allows users to sync their blood-alcohol level to important events in their lives, which they call “drinking notes,” so basically Facebook.


iNecklace

Decoded: ”You are a woman and like computers, therefore you’ll probably appreciate this stupid bullshit pendant.”

Underminer Gift Guide Necklace

$69 from Dynamism

“Sophisticated. Elegant. Open Source,” reads the product description from Dynamism. “The iNecklace is a gorgeously machined aluminum pendant with a subtle pulsating LED. Perfect for the playa or with Prada. Made for women who celebrate art, science, engineering and great design.”

To be clear, this trinket doesn’t actually do anything, it’s not an activity tracker like the FitBit or some kind of USB memory gizmo. It does absolutely nothing.


Sauna Pants

Decoded: “You are so far gone that exercising and eating right are obviously out of the question. But here’s a hot sack for your crotch.”

Underminer Gift Guide Sauna

$39.99 from AsSeenOnTV

Sauna Pants are perhaps the only product on the entire planet designed to make your genitals sweat more. Though they’re engineered to help “tone cellulite,” Sauna Pants also do double duty as the world’s hardest-to-clean diaper. Just set it and forget your self respect.

 

(BONUS: FOR MAGICIANS ONLY)

Nightmare: An Illusion by Justino Zoppe

Decoded: “You are not a very good magician and you should quit.”

$8,000 from Jack Murray’s Dream Illusions

Look, if you’re living in a world where spending $8,000 on an illusion as a gift is something you would even consider, you’re probably no stranger to mind games. If there’s one lesson to be learned from The Prestige, it’s that magic takes commitment. Giving another illusionist a new bit for their act is a major vote of no confidence. Using a store-bought illusion, even one from the likes of the great Justino Zoppe, is basically giving up. Nightmare, as a gift, is exactly that—the dreams of a budding sorcerer being crushed.

Respond Now
Activists of the Right Sector movement and their supporters gather outside the parliament building to demand the immediate resignation of Internal Affairs Minister Arsen Avakov, in Kiev March 27, 2014. A prominent Ukrainian far-right activist, part of a hard-line nationalist movement that played a leading role in the overthrow of President Viktor Yanukovich, was shot dead by police overnight, authorities said on March 25. The Interior Ministry said Oleksander Muzychko, also known as Sashko Bily, was killed by officers of the 'Sokol' special unit as he tried to escape from a cafe in the western Ukrainian region of Rivne. REUTERS/Vasily Fedosenko (UKRAINE - Tags: POLITICS CIVIL UNREST TPX IMAGES OF THE DAY) - RTR3IWHV
UKRAINE

Organizing a Right-Wing Ukrainian Militia? There’s an App for That

Rachael Levy
Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife Lyudmila sit in front of the Taj Mahal while touring city of Agra October 4, 2000. Building on the first day of a visit aimed at rekindling Soviet-era amity, Putin told India's parliament that ties with New Delhi would remain a key element of Moscow's foreign policy. - RTXK1TW
RUSSIA

Meet the Putins

Vocativ Staff
Shoppers walk past an advertising billboard for shoes in the central business district (CBD) of Beijing November 3, 2008. A measure of Chinese manufacturing activity showed factory output shrank sharply in October in the face of waning orders, while officials pledged further steps to boost domestic demand to keep the economy from slowing too much. Capital controls and the relative conservatism of China's banks have largely insulated the world's fourth-largest economy from direct hits from the global financial crisis, but its reliance on exports to the United States and Europe makes it vulnerable to a drop-off in Western demand.    REUTERS/David Gray    (CHINA) - RTXA6ZX
INDUSTRY

New Strike Breaks Out at China Factory That Michael Jordan Made Famous

Versha Sharma
Snoop Fancy
CELEBRITY

Living a Snoop Dogg-Curated Life

Emily Levy
LOVE HOTEL POSTER 6
SOCIETY

Brazil’s By-The-Hour Love Hotels

Ramon Iriarte
Lionel Gonzalez (16) dreams of crossing the border and reunite with his family in Denver, Colorado. In the background dowtown El Paso
MEXICO

Teens Caught in Cartels’ Trafficking Crossfire

Jan-Albert Hootsen
Ana Paula Maciel Playboy 05
BRAZIL

Greenpeace’s Brazilian Playboy Jailbird

Mac Margolis
NASA Selfies 01
SCIENCE

NASA Spaces Out Its Social Media Orbit

Emily Levy
Join the Fray
Grounded! Teen Girl Exiled by Virginia Parents to Siberia