SEX

Custom Virtual Blow Jobs Are Now A Thing This Valentine’s Day

How romantic: Camsoda allows you to send your sweetheart a personalized, impersonal sexy experience

SEX
Photo Illustration: Diana Quach
Feb 13, 2017 at 12:25 PM ET

According to the oppressive cultural traditions of Valentine’s Day, a holiday that seems stuck in the 1950’s, men are supposed to buy absurdly overpriced flowers for their female sweethearts, while women are instructed to do something sexy. Typically, that something sexy involves lingerie and a little skin-to-skin contact — you know, actual human intimacy with your valentine. But, boy, does Camsoda have a work around this year: virtual customizable blow jobs.

The cam site is calling this initiative “BJ My Valentine.” It allows you to create a customized blow job to be experienced through a masturbatory sleeve known as the Kiiroo Onyx. You can pick from a series of sensations — things like “Fast Suction” and “Tease the Tip” — and then tweak their duration and arrange them in the order of your choice. The resulting blow job can be sent to any valentine, as long as they are in possession of both a penis and the Kiiroo Onyx.

This seems like something from a dystopian future in which none of us touch each other any more, except through haptic technology that gives only the illusion of touch. But there are reasonable current day applications — some couples are long-distance and surely plenty of people are traveling for business on February 14, for example. There is also, as with so much in the realm of sexual commerce, the simple novelty aspect of it that seems to appeal — at least as a bizarro concept, if not as an actual thing to try.

And, heck, a highly personalized impersonal blow job is still far more intimate than some drugstore candy hearts and flowers.