US POLITICS

Who Is Donald Trump Screwing? Everybody, In Political Fan Fiction

Trump erotica: yes, it exists and we're so, so sorry

US POLITICS
(Illustration: Tara Jacoby)
Mar 08, 2016 at 3:31 PM ET

Earlier this year, comedian Elijah Daniel got drunk and tweeted his intention to write a gay erotica ebook about Donald Trump. The next day “Trump Temptation: The Billionaire and the Bellboy” was well on its way to topping Amazon’s “gay erotica” and “humorous erotica” lists.

But if you read that tale of a young employee at the (fictional) Trump Hotel in Hong Kong succumbing to the carnal desires of a “golden god” after being intoxicated by the “scent of toupee adhesive and spray tan” and it only left you yearning for more Trump smut, then you’re in luck. There’s a whole trove of Trump fan fiction online and most of it is either about the Republican presidential frontrunner screwing the country or screwing his political opponents.

There are 156 stories about Trump on the two most popular amateur writing community sites, FanFiction and Wattpad. The majority of the stories are typo-filled, wildly offensive drivel. Some don’t even count as stories. Most of them are half-baked internet satire, at best. But they’re all entertaining. Several pieces, like “Trumperica,” “Donald Trump: The Rise Of The New Hitler,” “The Fall of Donald Trump” and “Trump; the tragedy,” provide an apocalyptic vision of the world under Trump’s reign. But the most common theme amongst all the titles is romance. Steamy, orange-tinted, politically incorrect romance.

A simple search for “Donald Trump” on both sites leads to a choose-your-own-sex-adventure between Trump and a wide variety of political, internet and pop culture icons, like Vladimir Putin, anime character Byakuya Togami, Scooby-DooShrek, 4chan meme Pepe the Frog, celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay, Star Wars villain Emperor Palpatine and even Donald Trump himself.

But certain Trump pairings are more popular than others, and have been written about multiple times. There are six stories that match Trump with Bernie Sanders (“Bernie looked away awkwardly, shame burning (or should I say berning) in his stomach.”) and six about Trump affairs with Hillary Clinton (“‘You’re mine.’ Donald whispered tenderly into the ex-first lady’s ear. ‘Nnngh…’ Hilary (sic) grunted as he ran his hands through her short, blonde thin af hair.”).

A few writers seem to have picked up on the sexual tension driving Trump’s birtherism. There are three stories matching the Donald with Barack Obama (“So like Obama and Trump went to the White House instead to Netflix and chill and like 20 minutes in, Obama whipped that thing out…”) and three that link Trump with Ted Cruz (“Ted pushed Donald’s hair back away from his face, placing kisses on his forehead. ‘Donde esta la biblioteca’ he whispered seductively into Trump’s ear.).

Just like the rest of the media landscape, Trump dominates this uncanny sliver of the internet. There are hardly any works of fan fiction that depict the other presidential frontrunners in the throes of passion outside of Trump erotica. It seems that the fan fiction community is almost as obsessed with Trump’s penis as Trump is.