LGBT

The Most Deranged Bits From The Kirk Cameron Gay Erotic Novella

The former teen actor is the unwitting star of the short story, Kirk Cameron & The Crocoduck of Chaos Magick

LGBT
Rick Diamond
Jul 15, 2015 at 12:05 PM ET

While we were all in a lather over the release of Harper Lee’s Go Set a Watchman, another important literary gem was quietly published and has so far gone unnoticed by critics—an erotic gay novella featuring Growing Pains actor turned anti-gay religious fanatic, Kirk Cameron.

Kirk Cameron & The Crocoduck of Chaos Magick, by Mandy D. Sandra, follows a character that strongly resembles the former teen star (never has the disclaimer “Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental” read more hollow). In the book, Cameron is the host of a gay conversion camp for young men, whose faith is tested when a convert casts a spell that unleashes a randy crocoduck upon the world. Well, on Cameron, specifically.

For those that don’t remember, the crocoduck is a half-crocodile, half-duck creature that was used by Cameron and fellow creationist Ray Comfort to challenge the veracity of evolution; the evangelists positing that because a crocoduck doesn’t exist then Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution is flawed. However, it is alive and well in Sandra’s book and it is ready for action.

“I love bizarre-surreal monster erotica,” said Sandra, adding that she’s not too worried about pushback from Mike Seaver himself. “Kirk is too busy making bad movies and writing lame Facebook posts. If he tries to sue me, well, he can be my guest. It will probably be good for both of our careers.”

The fun doesn’t stop at the crocoduck. There are also appearances by Jesus as “a six-foot piece of sexy cheese,” a “sex meat”-seeking Satan, and, in a show of actual poor taste, Cameron’s deceased Growing Pains co-star Andrew Koenig. Sandra’s writing itself, though peppered with spelling errors throughout, is compelling; oscillating between the ludicrous, demented and genuinely funny.

If you’re going to read one Kirk Cameron-centric erotic novella this summer, make it Kirk Cameron & The Crocoduck of Chaos Magick. Below are some standout NSFW passages to get your motor going.

When confronted with a room full of young gay men to convert, fictional Cameron—like real-life Cameron—just wants to help:

Kirk reminded himself he didn’t hate gay people but their behavior. He hated how many young innocent men Satan seduced through butthole pleasures. The holy war was tricky and Lucifer was trying to win by going through the back end.

Closeted Cameron once asked Jesus to take his impure thoughts away, but now, transformed into his favorite food, the big man himself was too much to resist:

Kirk Cameron had fantasized about being raptured by Jesus. Taken to heaven in his Lord and savior’s strong arms and holey hands. Cheese Jesus grabbed Kirk Cameron’s belt and took off his wrinkle free khakis. His cheese fingers didn’t break but left delicious fingerprints on Kirk’s black belt.

When the former teen heartthrob first invented the crocoduck he had no idea it’d come back to bite him in the ass, or do other things to his mouth:

Kirk Cameron’s mouth dropped and he fell to his knees. The Crocoduck he used to refute evolution was now in the room crocwaddling toward him. It looked at Kirk and its wings flapped with glee. The green-scaled skin glistened while his feathers looked regal. It’s 12-inch jaw of teeth showed a long smile of lust—its Crocoduck c*ck was the same length. The Crocoduck darted toward the kneeling and shocked open-mouthed Kirk Cameron. Kirk didn’t close his mouth in time and took nine inches of the Crocoduck. It squealed with delight while flapping his wings.

Sandra takes the food sex fetish to the extreme, with an unsettling cheese theme. For those interested, Jesus’ penis is made from “a combo of exotic and exquisite cheeses”:

Jesus smiled and looked down at Cameron full of Crocoduck c*ck. “My disciples said cheese made them blocked, but I will show you Kirk that the right kind of cheese can open a man up.” Jesus took his white robe of cheese off his body and showed his erection.

Though shocked at the beginning, Cameron eventually takes things in his stride and grows proud of his ability to accommodate the mighty crocoduck:

Kirk could barely here [sic] Jesus as he continued fellating the Crocoduck. The creature of Chaos Magick was quack-moaning in ecstasy. Kirk was amazed at his deep throating ability. He once competed in a Christian Celebrity hot dog eating contest but lost to Stephen Baldwin—today was a different day.

You can get your sweaty palms on the rest of the feverish anti-fan fiction via Amazon.